Tuesday Sep 22 2009
Late Night Jokes Delivered to your Mailbox Daily!
The Tonight Show with Jay Leno
It’s the first day of autumn. In a statement, Sarah Palin said the dying leaves are because of Obama’s healthcare plan.
I’m getting a little worried about President Obama — he hasn’t been on a TV show in almost 11 hours . . . is he OK?
The fall season is a little different this year — even squirrels are distancing themselves from ACORN.
Because of all these scandals, the executive director of ACORN said she will fire any employee who’s “too stupid to understand they’re not reaching professional standards.” Why can’t we get this rule for Congress?
Chrysler announced that it will no longer put owner's manuals in their cars. Not only that, Chrysler has pretty much given up on putting owners in their cars.
Today, the MacArthur Foundation gave out its annual “Genius” awards. This year’s awards went to a journalist, a mental health scientist, and a couple who sold their house three years ago.
A well-known animal expert says that humans should “pull the plug” on panda bears because they’re not strong enough to survive on their own. The animal expert then said the same goes for the Detroit Lions.
Employees at a pizzeria in Ireland were fired for watching porn on the job. Isn’t that disgusting? Irish people attempting to make pizza?
Late Show with David Letterman
President Obama was on the show last night. What a graceful guy. After the show, he was kind enough to autograph my swine flu mask.
Opening week at the United Nations. Security is very tight in New York City — a lot of dictators running around.
Dictators tend to be tiny: Kim Jong Il? Tiny little guy. Mahmoud Ahmadinejad? Tiny little guy. Mayor Bloomberg? Tiny little guy.
Mahmoud Ahmadinejad kicked things off with a hate-filled rant, followed by hors d’oeuvres.
Late Show Top Ten
The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson
President Obama was on “David Letterman” last night. It was very funny. I especially liked the “Stupid Biden Tricks.”
It was very awkward when Paul Shaffer stood up and shouted, “You lie!”
In New York, it’s the fifth annual meeting of the Clinton Global Initiative. It’s a very big political event where Bill Clinton gets to spend time with government officials he rarely sees — like Hillary.
Jimmy Kimmel Live!
It’s officially fall. You can always tell it’s fall in L.A. because the air gets crisper; the days get a little shorter; the leaves turn from on fire to not on fire . . .
The smog changes color in the fall too . . . it’s really quite beautiful.
Obama has been everywhere pushing his healthcare plan. He was even on “Maury Povich.” Good news: He’s not the father. Turns out John Edwards is.
According to the L.A. Times, one of John Edwards’ aides wrote a book proposal in which Edwards convinced him to come forward and say he was the father, which the guy did even though he was married. We should make Edwards president — if he can make a married guy to announce he fathered a child he didn’t, he can convince anyone of anything.
Late Night with Jimmy Fallon
It’s the United Nations’ “Climate Week” week, and over 150 world leaders are here, including President Obama. It’s good to see all these guys in their separate cars commuting back and forth to the U.N. to discuss ways to improve our climate.
There are over 150 world leaders are in town for the conference. As a result, there are also 150 mistresses in town. It’s a traffic nightmare.
Several heads of state are staying at the Ritz-Carlton. Most check in under an alias for security reasons — although I'm pretty sure I know who Joe Schmiden is.