The military’s policy of “don’t ask, don’t tell” is officially over. Don’t confuse this with President Obama’s economic policy, which is “don’t ask, I don’t want to talk about it.”

Obama says his new plan to raise taxes on millionaires is not class warfare, it’s math. We Americans hate class warfare, but we also hate math.

Congress’ approval rating has dropped to 12 percent. The other 88 percent are withholding judgment until Congress actually does something.

Happy birthday to Whole Foods, which is 31 years old. Before Whole Foods, if you wanted to pay $60 for a roasted chicken, you had to go to a restaurant.

Chaz Bono was spotted shirtless on the set of “Dancing With the Stars.” There were no survivors.

A new survey shows that 1 in 5 Americans believe that God steers the economy. Mystery solved: God is Chinese.

Twenty-two people were awarded the MacArthur Genius grant. Among the geniuses were a scientist, an educator, and a guy that got out of the stock market three years ago.

A woman gave birth on an airplane. The airline said that the woman and her new $40 carry-on are doing just fine.

A satellite is now headed toward earth and the people at NASA have no idea where it will land. How would they know? It’s not like they’re rocket scientists.

If you catch the satellite, you get to keep it. It’s like a foul ball.

Experts say that the satellite will crash and burn slightly faster than Lindsay Lohan.

Screw with the Swedes

Recap highlights from last night's "Two and a Half Men"

Goodbye, Euro. Hello, Chuck E. Cheese tokens

Pass resolution that Steve Carell "was robbed" at the Emmys

Gently break it to the Russians that they've been writing their Rs backwards all these years

Finally nail down which one's Uruguay and which one's Paraguay

Pitch sitcom about Greece and United States called "Two Broke Countries"

Do whatever China says

Congratulate whatever country came up with the "Girl With the Dragon Tattoo" books, because those were awesome

Debate whether to renew the Letterman fatwa

Moammar Gadhafi released an audio message saying that he’s still in power, and just “temporarily” going underground. Sure, just like my local Blockbuster is “temporarily” closing its doors.

President Obama is speaking to the General Assembly tomorrow and he’s expected to urge the delegates to fight global warming, reduce poverty, and find out what the heck is happening at Netflix.

Some critics say Obama should be focusing on jobs instead of addressing the UN. But I think it’s important for Obama to talk to the other countries — because they’re the ones that have all of our jobs.

Two new books about Sarah Palin came out today. All of a sudden, I’m feeling OK about Borders going out of business.

The military’s controversial “don’t ask, don’t tell“ policy was officially retired. This marks a new age of tolerance, acceptance, and awkward showering for everyone in the military.

I think this will have an effect on our enemies. Be warned, evildoers. First we will defeat you, then we will redecorate your entire country.

A dead weather satellite is going to crash into earth, but no one knows where it will land. The satellite is being monitored by NASA and produced by Jerry Bruckheimer.

There’s a new 24-hour hotline for illegal immigrants who have questions about deportation. The number is really easy to remember: it’s 1-800-A-TRAP.

China is now grading restaurants’ hygiene using smiley faces and frown faces. Really? Who do they have working on this stuff in China, kids? Oh.

Wendy’s just introduced a new burger with extra cheese, thicker beef, and a buttered bun. Which explains why in their logo, Wendy is now wearing Spanx.

Because of Hurricane Irene, the northeast is experiencing a pumpkin shortage. On the bright side, Snooki has tripled her personal appearance bookings.