Monday Sep 19 2011
Late Night Jokes Delivered to your Mailbox Daily!
The Tonight Show with Jay Leno
Astronomers have discovered a planet that has two suns. That solar company Solyndra went bankrupt on that planet too.
President Obama says his new jobs bill will create over 1.9 million jobs — and up to 50 of them will be right here in America.
Obama said Americans feel things aren’t fair, that the deck is stacked against them, and that nobody is paying attention. That’s an inspiring campaign speech.
Obama bought equipment to brew his own beer in the White House. That might explain some of those economic policies.
This week, the U.S. military will formally end it’s “don’t ask, don’t tell” policy. Later this week, the Air Force begins Operation “It’s Raining Men.”
President Obama has proposed a new tax increase called the “Buffett rule.” At first, Newt Gingrich was for it because he thought it was the “buffet rule.”
Michelle Obama has convinced the owners of the Olive Garden to cut calories and sodium by 20 percent. They took the first lady’s advice because Michelle Obama is more Italian than anybody that works at the Olive Garden.
Late Show with David Letterman
All the world leaders at the United Nations agree on one thing: Superman has got to do more.
At the United Nations in New York, Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad was bragging that Iran now leads the world in captured hikers.
Nobody likes hiking more than I do, but it seems to me that if you have an atlas, you can find many places to go hiking — that aren’t Iraq or Korea.
Ahmadinejad has said publically that he hates Jews and gays. Man, is he in wrong town.
Late Show Top Ten
Top Ten Highlights Of Barack Obama's Deficit Plan
Pay everything off with a giant bake sale on the White House lawn
New 10,000 percent tax on waffles — no way people are giving up their waffles!
Congressional Super Committee now reports to even more powerful Super Duper Committee
Medicare no longer covers butt X-rays
From now on, quarters are worth 26 cents
Change the definition of the word “deficit”
Seniors must wait until they're 112 before they can collect Social Security
Open more post offices — those places are money machines!
Congressmen must pay hookers in cash
Jets giving three and a half in Cincy — it's like found money
Jimmy Kimmel Live!
“Dancing With the Stars” is back and thank God, because I haven’t seen a decent Viennese waltz in months.
This season, the dance floor is covered with butter.
Ron Artest changed his name to “Metta World Peace.” With all of these celebrities giving their kids crazy names, it’s nice to see someone doing it to himself.
Critics say the show has a gay agenda. Do they realize this is a ballroom dancing competition?
Late Night with Jimmy Fallon