After the earthquake on the East Coast, they found Mayor Bloomberg standing under his desk.
On the bright side, I didn’t have to shake my morning martini.
They felt the earthquake at Martha’s Vineyard. It was so bad, President Obama nearly missed a putt.
A guy last week put a fatwa out on me. CBS has been great. When they heard about it, they started holding auditions for my replacement.
Top Ten Things Overheard During The East Coast Earthquake
"That was the scariest two seconds of my life!"
"Hey, you forgot your champagne"
"5.9 earthquake, it would have been a 6.2 if it had a better lead-in"
"These new Taco Bell chalupas are rockin' my world"
"Call FEMEMA, the Federal Extremely Minor Emergency Management Agency"
"Darn, right in the middle of laser eye surgery"
"Kirstie, stop with the jumping jacks!"
We had an Anthrax scare at the studio after they found an envelope with white powder in it. All of the staff had to leave and didn’t get any work done. It was like any other day.
This is the most attention this show has gotten . . . ever.
They say the envelope came from France. I knew I shouldn’t have done that Gerard Depardieu joke.
If this had been a real threat, CBS has a plan to replace me with Ashton Kutcher.