The 405 freeway is being widened, retrofitted, and reinforced. Or as they call that in Los Angeles, “getting the full Kardashian.”

Everyone in L.A. was going crazy over “Carmageddon.” One guy was even spotted trying to load two of each car into an ark.

President Obama said he turns 50 this week, but he actually doesn’t turn 50 until Aug. 4. This means that even he hasn’t seen his birth certificate.

Donald Trump’s daughter Ivanka gave birth to a baby girl. The baby’s name is “Trump Granddaughter and Casino.”

MSNBC suspended one of their commentators for calling President Obama a bad name. Meanwhile, Fox News suspended one of their commentators for not calling President Obama a bad name.

An audio recording from five years ago has been released of Michele Bachmann predicting the end of the world. Her exact words were, “I’m going to run for president in 2012.”

Borders bookstores will be liquidated after failing to receive a single bid to buy the company. Unfortunately, all the investors just hung around inside for a while hoping to use the bathroom.

Charlie Sheen got so crazy from the heat that he was snorting actual snow.

I spent the whole weekend at home in New York, because the San Diego freeway was closed.

Jennifer Lopez and Marc Anthony are getting divorced. She found out that he had a child with Arnold Schwarzenegger’s maid.

Donald Trump has a new grandchild. Today, he demanded to see its birth certificate.

Paying taxes is for losers

Neighbor's stereo too loud? Cut his power lines

If you're going to vandalize the Ed Sullivan Theater, disable the security cameras first

Whenever Regis calls, pretend your hearing aid is on the blink

If you catch a player's 3,000th hit, sell the ball and buy a Corvette

Always tip the dealer

No one cares how you feel

There's big money in black market cigarettes

Never bring a stun gun onboard an airplane

Tell your son his show is great, even if you prefer Leno, Kimmel, Stewart, Colbert, Conan, Fallon, Ferguson, and Lopez

It’s so hot that I saw Rupert Murdoch trying to hack his way into a Cold Stone Creamery.

It was so hot that I saw Lindsay Lohan steal a snow cone.

It was so hot in New York that vandals were breaking into David Letterman’s studio just for the air conditioning.

It was so hot in Washington that Congress had to install a fan on the debt ceiling.

The United States’ soccer team lost to Japan, which means we’re now losing to Japan in math, science, and penalty kicks.

A lot of guys say women’s soccer is boring, but actually, all soccer is boring.

Charlie Sheen will be on a new sitcom called “Anger Management.” Maybe they’re just telling him he’s starring in a show and actually sending him to anger management.

This weekend, the final “Harry Potter” movie made a record-breaking $476 million worldwide. Yeah, “Harry Potter” made so much money this weekend, President Obama just asked him for a loan.

A woman in Colorado was arrested for groping a TSA agent last week. On the bright side, today she was offered a job with the TSA.

A group of rare snow leopards has been discovered in a remote corner of Afghanistan. So I guess traveling through Afghanistan isn't as safe as you thought.

Hey, I heard about a woman who is publishing 12 years of her own text messages in a new book. I don’t want to ruin the ending, but the last line is, “Hey, just thought of the dumbest idea for a book!”