Thursday Jul 14 2011
Late Night Jokes Delivered to your Mailbox Daily!
The Tonight Show with Jay Leno
According to a new poll, U.S. popularity in the Middle East is at an all-time low. How could it be lower than before, when it was “Death to America?”
In the last month, President Obama’s re-election campaign raised $86 million. But the bad news is, to get re-elected, he has to come up with $14 trillion more.
Starting next year, all U.S. savings bonds will be electronic rather than printed. So they’ll be paperless, as well as valueless, useless, and worthless.
According to a survey by Charles Schwab, 16 percent of teenagers expect their parents to help them financially forever. I believe they’re called “philosophy majors.”
Late Show with David Letterman
Mitt Romney is so boring, he introduced his own fragrance called “Unscented.”
It’s Bastille Day, which is the day that Paul Revere rode through Paris warning the French.
It looks like we’ll begin to pay our debt to China. Last week, we returned Yao Ming.
Late Show Top Ten
Top Ten Things Never Before Said by a Superhero
"Screw the superhero costume, I'm fighting crime in my pajama jeans"
"I got $400 worth of groceries for just eight bucks thanks to extreme couponing"
"You know, I originally wanted to be an event planner"
"Someone broke into Letterman's theater? I'm on my way!"
"Aquaman and I are moving to New York to get married"
"I'm Steve Rogers. Perhaps you know my brother Kenny"
"In a few years, Captain America will be known as Captain China, am I right, folks?"
"My weakness? Sara Lee cheesecake bites"
"One ticket for 'Zookeeper,' please"
"I really, really like the tights"
The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson
Another vandal struck David Letterman’s studio in New York City. We also were vandalized and it caused more than $40,000 in improvements.
The new “Winnie the Pooh” movie is a throwback to the classics, like “Fantasia,” or “Goofy Meets Cheech and Chong.”
“Winnie the Pooh” can teach children important life lessons, like “If you see a bear in the woods, make friends with it.”
Jimmy Kimmel Live!
Late Night with Jimmy Fallon
It’s rumored that Arnold Schwarzenegger is working on a memoir. Yeah, it’s apparently over 500 pages long — and that’s just the dedication to his kids.
Hey, this week was Spain’s annual running of the bulls. Or as bulls are reporting it, “This week was Spain’s annual chasing of the idiots.”
The Treasury Department is shifting from paper to electronic savings bonds next year. But don’t worry — the electronic bonds will be just as worthless as the paper ones.