Friday Oct 02 2009
Late Night Jokes Delivered to your Mailbox Daily!
The Tonight Show with Jay Leno
A lot of Americans are saying that the healthcare and financial debates show that when push comes to shove, Republicans and Democrats always take the side of the corporations that give them the most money. We should make politicians dress like race car drivers — when they get money, make them wear the company logos on their suit.
Big dispute in New York City — people lit up the Empire State Building in red and yellow to honor the 60th anniversary of the communist revolution in China. If they want to honor the Chinese, why not just paint the whole building in lead paint?
Starbuck’s is going to start selling instant coffee. This is for people who want the quality of Sanka, but want to pay the high Starbuck’s price.
The Olympic Committee has decided that the 2016 Olympics will not be in Chicago. It’s going to be in Rio de Janeiro. As a result, the 2016 Olympics will be topless.
After I made a joke about Newark, N.J., last week, the mayor banned me from flying into Newark airport. Now if I want to get to Newark, I’ll have to get there the same way everyone else does — through a series of poor choices.
President Obama has banned federal employees from texting while driving because he says it is distracting and could lead to accidents. Obama admitted he was texting behind the wheel when he picked Joe Biden for vice president.
It was reported that for the ninth year in a row, the most popular car color was silver. In fact Chrysler says that this year, all three of the cars they sold were silver.
Late Show with David Letterman
It’s the 60th anniversary of China. We’re celebrating in the United States because they own all of our debt.
If you want to send China a gift, the 60th anniversary gift is lead paint.
Pretty soon former Alaska Gov. Sarah Plain’s new book will be out. It’s called “Going Rogue.” I read it and was disappointed — three chapters are devoted to cleaning fish.
Mayor Bloomberg has a copy of Palin’s book; he says he loves it — the best book he ever sat on. He’s a tiny guy.
Late Show Top Ten
Top Ten Signs You Have Too Much Money
Actually considering plunking down $29 on that Palin book
Someone mentions the recession, you say, "The what?!?!"
When taking the eye test, you hire Vanna White to stand by letters
You have a regular butler for you, and an adorable monkey butler for the kids
Instead of watching "Seinfeld," you hire Jerry to act out episodes in your living room
You can afford New York Yankee tickets
You've prepaid your income tax through the year 2064
That Monopoly dude with the top hat and mustache? Based on you
Bill Gates is your pool guy
People tell you they love the talk show you do with Kelly Ripa
The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson
Jimmy Kimmel Live!
They are saying more wealthy people prefer ABC — people who make more than $100,000 a year — than any other network. Can I borrow $35 million from someone?
More wealthy people prefer ABC because we don’t take your money and hide it in briefcases and make you guess where it is like they do on “Who Wants to Be a Millionaire?”
If you have any young daughters in your house, you probably know about these American Girl dolls. They’re from all over: One’s from New York; one wears bell-bottoms; but they have a new one that’s homeless. She lives in a car with her mom because the father abandoned them. That’s a nice story to put in a little girl’s head: Daddy might bolt to leave you living in the Buick.
Late Night with Jimmy Fallon
Today the Olympic Committee voted on whether Chicago, Tokyo, Rio, or Madrid would host the 2016 Olympics. I don’t know if it was rigged, but the winner was “Mahmoud Ahmadinejad.”
Rio de Janeiro was chosen to host the 2016 Summer Games. The whole city is very excited. The announcement was made at 1 o’clock today and they’ve been celebrating like crazy for 50 years.
Ken Lewis, the CEO of Bank of America, will receive a 53 million dollar pension when he retires at the end of the year. But he can only get it out of an ATM — 20 dollars at a time.
According to a new autopsy report, Michael Jackson was in good health for a man of his age. I don’t know, I’m pretty sure a guy his age is supposed to have a nose.