Monday Jul 11 2011
Late Night Jokes Delivered to your Mailbox Daily!
The Tonight Show with Jay Leno
The royal couple really immersed themselves in American culture while visiting. In fact, when they left, they were $2 trillion in debt.
President Obama’s staff got raises of 8 percent, more than double the average for regular Americans, which is 3 percent. But to be fair, many of them will be unemployed next November.
A right-wing religious group in Iowa is now asking all the Republican presidential candidates to sign a pledge to remain faithful to their spouse. Isn’t that the marriage pledge?
A New York appellate court ruled it is legal for a suspicious wife to use a GPS device to track her cheating husband. More bad news for Chris Hansen.
Late Show with David Letterman
This is not just a late night talk show. It’s also an active crime scene.
Over the weekend, someone broke into our theater. I’m told that Jay Leno has an alibi.
Eliot Spitzer’s show on CNN was canceled. So you wonder, how will the guy kill an hour?
Late Show Top Ten
Top Ten Excuses of the Guy Who Broke Into the Ed Sullivan Theater
"When did Stupid Human Tricks become illegal?"
"It was on my list of places to ransack before I die"
"Thought the place was abandoned"
"Wanted to meet Ed Sullivan"
"Didn't feel like walking 14 blocks to vandalize Regis' studio"
"Doing my best to boost the struggling glass repair industry"
"Had an allergic reaction to Four Loko"
"Always dreamed of being the subject of a lame Top Ten list"
"I thought it was another 'Fire Dave' rally"
"Have you seen the show?"
The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson
The British government may cancel Rupert Murdoch’s $14 billion satellite deal because they’ve discovered that he’s evil.
In the media business, being evil isn’t always a bad thing. There’s also the lovable kind of evil that we have here at CBS.
One of Murdoch’s tabloids was hacking people’s phones and listening to their voicemails. Victims said their iPhones were so messed up that they were actually working.
Murdoch shut down News of the World, which was almost 160 years old. It’s always sad when something that old comes to an end. It was like the last episode of “Larry King Live.”
Jimmy Kimmel Live!
Late Night with Jimmy Fallon
The U.S. is now in serious danger of defaulting on our foreign loans. Which explains why today, China showed up and broke the Statue of Liberty’s kneecaps.
A man was busted at JFK airport for smuggling six pounds of cocaine in his sneakers. That’s right, his plan was hiding cocaine in his shoes — you know, those things that you never, ever have to take off at the airport.
Schools in Illinois are dropping writing portions from standardized tests. When asked why, a spokesman said, “We simple does not needs them.”
On Friday, a woman in Texas gave birth to a baby boy weighing in at 16 pounds, 1 ounce. When they did the sonogram, the doctor was like, “I’m not sure if it’s a boy or a girl, but it’s definitely an American.”