Wednesday Jun 22 2011
Late Night Jokes Delivered to your Mailbox Daily!
The Tonight Show with Jay Leno
Did you see that video where a crying baby is handed to Obama and as soon as the president holds the baby in his arms it stops crying? Do you know how rare that is these days that a politician is handed a baby from a crowd and it’s not his?
President Obama announced this week that he is going to start sending out his own messages personally on Twitter. And today Anthony Weiner said, “It’s a trap, don’t do it!” But President Obama’s tweets are a little different than Anthony Weiner’s. When Obama sends out pictures of something obscene, it’s the unemployment numbers.
It has now been revealed that Newt Gingrich had a second line of credit at Tiffany’s for up to a million dollars. That sounds like a lot until you remember that Congress has a line of credit with China for up to $14.3 trillion.
According to new polls, 66 percent of Americans believe the country is headed in the wrong direction. But the good news is, gas is so expensive and traffic is so bad that we won’t get there for a long time.
Today Sarah Palin canceled her bus tour, reportedly canceling dates in Iowa, South Carolina, and New Hampshire. When asked why, Palin answered: “It turns out those places are nowhere near each other.”
In a new videotape message, Texas Gov. Rick Perry urges his supporters to follow him on “Tweeter.” After hearing about it, John McCain laughed and said, “What an idiot! It’s ‘The Tweeter.’”
Just days after calling off her wedding to Hugh Hefner, Playboy Playmate Crystal Harris has returned the couple’s dog to Hefner. Sources say he is a slightly mangy fellow who pees himself a lot, but he’s very glad to get his dog back.
Late Show with David Letterman
Here’s fascinating cultural, sociological news: New York City is very close to legalizing same-sex marriage. But until it becomes official, the only place in New York City where gay couples can actually marry is backstage at the Tony Awards.
Newt [Gingrich] announced he was running for president. His top advisers quit, and then his campaign fundraisers all quit. Newt was thinking, “I don’t need this, I’ll just put it all on my Tiffany’s credit card.”
Jon Huntsman is fluent in Chinese. In a short period of time the Republicans have come quite a long way. The last Republican president wasn’t even fluent in English.
Late Show Top Ten
Top Ten Little-Known Facts About Justin Bieber (presented by Justin Bieber)
My new fragrance "Someday" also makes a delicious low-calorie salad dressing.
I served eight months in prison for siphoning gas.
The first thing I bought when I hit it big was a four-slice toaster.
As hard as I've tried, I don't know how to not be adorable.
"Justin Bieber" is my secret identity, I'm really Green Lantern.
I'm not really a big fan of Kevin James.
I begged my publicist to get me out of this.
Last week I accidentally waited in line for two hours for my own autograph.
My mom had to remind me that he's not Larry King.
The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson
Jimmy Kimmel Live!
President Obama announced that progress is being made in Afghanistan after the death of Osama bin Laden, which means we’re going to be bringing 10,000 troops home by the end of this year. Here’s what I don’t understand about Afghanistan: With all that opium lying around, you’d think it would be a mellower place.
Bristol Palin released her much-anticipated memoir called “Not Afraid of Life: My Journey So Far.” Bristol said that Levi Johnston cheated on her but then made it up to her by buying designer rain boots. Things are different up there, I guess.
Sarah Palin has abruptly ended her bus tour of the United States. The idea was to drive around the country giving speeches in front of historical landmarks. Reportedly, she’s back in Alaska at home, which is weird because it’s not like her to quit something.
Late Night with Jimmy Fallon
President Obama will be in New York tomorrow night for a fundraiser at the Broadway musical “Sister Act.” Meanwhile, Sarah Palin will be in town to do some hunting at “The Lion King.”
New York Gov. Andy Cuomo will hold a special election on Sept. 13 to replace Anthony Weiner. Cuomo said, “anyone interested in the job should e-mail me at . . . actually, you’d just better call.”
Cindy Lauper turned 58 years old today. You can tell she’s getting up there — her new song is called “Girls Just Wanna Have a Quiet Evening at Home Watching Lifetime.”