Tomorrow President Obama will lay out his plan for bringing our troops home from Afghanistan. Ten years ago Afghanistan had a backwards, corrupt government. And now they have a democratically elected, backwards, corrupt government. So that’s progress.

Newt Gingrich has a new campaign slogan: “Now hiring!” Sixteen of Gingrich’s top staff quit last week, and today, two of his top fundraisers quit. He’s not even president and he’s already raising the unemployment rate.

Idaho state senator and former republican legislator of the year, John McGee, is charged with drunk driving and suspicion of felony grand theft after reportedly stealing an SUV with a 20-foot trailer attached to it. In his defense, there’s not a lot to do in Idaho.

The New leader of al-Qaida, Ayman al-Zawahiri, is a doctor by trade. He’s a terrorist and a doctor. If his name pops up on your list of recommended physicians, change your HMO. That is a bad sign.

Arnold Schwarzenegger is laying low in Europe. He was in his homeland of Austria, and he said he misses schnitzel. By the way, schnitzel is the name of his Austrian lovechild.

John McCain says he is puzzled by the backlash to his comment that illegal immigrants are the cause of Arizona’s wildfires. He said, "Of course, I’m also puzzled by the defrost option on my microwave.”

The Egyptian military is asking people who they want to be the next president by using a Facebook poll. So congratulations to Egypt’s new leader, President Betty White.

You all know Bristol Palin has a book. She reveals that she lost her virginity on a camping trip. Bristol said she named her son “Tripp” because “camping” seemed like a dumb name.

I’ll tell you who’s in a lot of trouble: Mitt Romney. He’s supposedly the Republican presidential contender front-runner. Here’s what happened: He created a successful healthcare plan in Massachusetts. Are you kidding me? Come on! What a dope.

Former governor of Utah, Jon Huntsman, is running for president. He's one of those guys that can do everything — he speaks Chinese. In a couple of years we’ll all be speaking Chinese, so who cares?

You’ll want to treat yourself to a larger television to accommodate my giant head.

Now that Oprah’s gone, I want to be your new best girlfriend.

It’s the only show on television that’s not a damn singing contest.

Tomorrow Hugo Chavez stops by to make his famous Jalapeno Wowzers.

We are neither fair, nor balanced.

Special news commentary from my hand puppet, Topo Gigio.

What else are you going to do with your time, read?

I just hired Paul Shaffer as my musical director — I’m sorry, Dave.

Better watch now because things could go wrong in a hurry.

Some lucky viewer gets tweets of my penis.

Rerun

A 51-year old actor named Doug Hutchinson has married a high school student. Yesterday, Doug and 16-year old Mrs. Hutchinson announced that they were married in May. Steven Tyler is suing him for lifestyle infringement.

The couple insists there’s nothing strange about their relationship, except for the fact that when he was her age, she was minus 19. Even Hugh Hefner was like, “That’s gross.”

Most Americans know Jon Huntsman as “the candidate most Americans don’t know.” Gov. Huntsman’s announcement puts him somewhere between Ron Paul and Count Chocula as the favorite to win the GOP nomination.

To no one’s surprise, on the "Today Show" this morning, John McCain said he will not be running in 2012, or walking for that matter. He’s just going to get one of those Rascal scooters and drive around.

Yesterday President Obama urged more foreign countries to start investing in the U.S. economy. The president of Mexico was like, “The people of Mexico are with you. Literally, they’re already there with you.”

Yesterday a Delta airlines flight made an emergency landing at a wildlife refuge in Hawaii. When the lions saw the passengers they said, “Do you believe this? Delta’s actually serving food!”

Former Pizza Hut executive Mike Rawlings was just elected as the next mayor of Dallas. I don’t know why he went with such a large city. He could’ve gotten a much better deal with two medium cities.