Monday Jun 13 2011
Late Night Jokes Delivered to your Mailbox Daily!
The Tonight Show with Jay Leno
According to the Wall Street Journal, economic experts now fear there may be a second recession. A second recession? When did the first one end?
The economy is so bad that bedbugs are now infesting sleeping bags and tents, because they can't afford to stay in hotels anymore.
Former New Mexico Gov. Gary Johnson lashed out at CNN as being elitist for not allowing him to participate in the Republican debate. He said CNN was robbing him of the opportunity to reach literally dozens of viewers.
Someone unearthed the very first Ronald McDonald TV commercial. You can tell the ad is from 50 years ago, because all the little kids are skinny.
TMZ published a photo of Anthony Weiner in the congressional gym. When he heard about it, Newt Gingrich said, “There’s a congressional gym?”
Most of Newt Gingrich’s campaign staff quit on the same day and some people are blaming Newt’s third wife. When asked about it, Newt said, “I’ll win them back with my fourth wife.”
Experts are predicting that in the first Republican debate, Mitt Romney will face his fiercest ideological opponent: himself from four years ago.
According to a new study, male politicians run for office to be somebody, while female politicians run to do something. The study has a margin of error of plus or minus Sarah Palin.
Late Show with David Letterman
It’s so sunny today that Anthony Weiner saw his shadow. That means six more weeks of Weiner jokes.
The latest batch of Weiner photos were taken at the congressional gym. Wait a minute, those guys have a gym?
Don’t judge Anthony Weiner until you’ve walked a mile in his pants — around your ankles.
Late Show Top Ten
Top Ten Betty White Tips for Living a Long and Happy Life
Get at least eight hours of beauty sleep, nine if you're ugly
Exercise. Or don't. What the heck do I care?
Never apologize — it shows weakness
The best way to earn a quick buck is a slip-and-fall lawsuit
Avoid tweeting any photos of your private parts
Schedule nightly appointment with Dr. Johnnie Walker
Take some wheatgrass, soy paste and carob, toss in the garbage and cook yourself a big piece of pork
Never dwell on past mistakes, especially you, LeBron
Don't waste your time watching this crap
The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson
Jimmy Kimmel Live!
I think Congressman Weiner should resign. Not for any political reasons, but just because I would like to see him become the next “Bachelor.”
The state of Alaska released more than 24,000 emails written by Sarah Palin when she was governor. How does someone that doesn’t read write that much?
Apparently, Palin relied on her husband, Todd, for policy advice. You know what they say: Behind every great woman, there’s a snowmobile racer.
Late Night with Jimmy Fallon
Apparently, Anthony Weiner won’t decide if he’s resigning until his wife comes back from her trip to Africa with Hillary Clinton. I don’t know what’s more ridiculous — that he thinks he can stay in office, or that he thinks his wife is coming back.
NASA is planning to send the first iPhones into space next month. Yeah, scientists say that if they can figure out a way to make iPhones work in outer space, they could eventually get them to work here in midtown Manhattan.
In a new interview, Bill Gates said that Facebook founder Mark Zuckerberg is engaged. But when pressed for more info, Gates just froze and had to be rebooted.
Wendy’s is selling the Arby’s restaurant chain to the company that owns Cinnabon. Or as most Americans put it, “My lunch place is selling my dinner place to my breakfast place.”