Wednesday Jun 08 2011
Late Night Jokes Delivered to your Mailbox Daily!
The Tonight Show with Jay Leno
Congressman Weiner has admitted that he did carry on explicit online relationships with six different women. Well, he thought they were women. Turns out three were woman, one was a guy pretending to be a woman, and the other two were congressmen.
President Obama's top economic adviser, a man named Austan Goolsbee, is stepping down: He will be replaced by something a little more effective, the magic 8-ball.
President Obama said today he's not concerned about a double dip recession. He's more concerned the recovery we're in is not creating enough jobs. In fact, do you know what you call a recovery that isn't creating enough jobs? A recession.
The beautiful star of the TV show “Mad Men,” January Jones, is pregnant but she will not reveal who the father is. To which John Edwards said, "Why can't I meet women like this?”
Comedy people sit around for years hoping for a scandal called “Weinergate.” And then it happens.
Donald Trump said Anthony Weiner is a psycho. So look for him on the next season of “Celebrity Apprentice.”
Fifty-one percent of New York voters think Weiner should keep his seat. The other 49 percent think he should disinfect it.
Late Show with David Letterman
Everyone should take some time to check on the elderly. OK, I’m fine.
More trouble for Anthony Weiner: He was fired as the voice of the Aflac duck.
Sociologists have documented the stages of a scandal: Denial, tearful confession, resignation, and an appearance on “Dancing With the Stars.”
Late Show Top Ten
Top Ten Signs It's Too Hot
It's so hot, everyone on Facebook updated their status to "moist"
It's so hot, Jack Kevorkian's suicide machine was turned into a Slurpee machine
It's so hot, Arnold Schwarzenegger's having an affair with a maid in Winnipeg
It's so hot, the guy in the Mr. Met costume died of heat stroke
It's so hot, Kim Kardashian lost 6 pounds in her butt
It's so hot, the NYPD has switched to summer uniforms
It's so hot, the audience thought that last joke was funny
It's so hot, Roy Haynes agreed to be on Late Show Drum Solo Week just for the air conditioning
It's so hot, Meredith Vieira left the “Today” show for a job at Dairy Queen
It's so hot, there's now a play on Broadway called, "The Man with the Ceiling Fan"
The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson
The Los Angeles police commission has voted to get rid of the red light traffic cameras. It’s very upsetting to me, because I loved posing for them.
I know an easier way of reducing traffic accidents. If we cancel the show “Project Runway,” then we wouldn’t be in such a rush to get home.
Traffic cameras never stood a chance here in L.A., because people get plastic surgery and change their faces all the time.
I got a ticket once for jaywalking. It wasn’t for crossing the street, it was for stealing Jay Leno’s bit.
Jimmy Kimmel Live!
Late Night with Jimmy Fallon
A new study found that being bored can be good for your brain. Which explains that new campaign slogan, “Mitt Romney: I’m Good For Your Brain.”
Federal Reserve Chairman Ben Bernanke is predicting that the economy will pick up in the second half of the year. So you know what that means: nothing.
A woman in Florida called 911 after she found a bear swimming in her backyard pool. That’s right, there was a bear in the water. Or as Sarah Palin calls that, “soup.”