Wednesday Oct 07 2009
Late Night Jokes Delivered to your Mailbox Daily!
The Tonight Show with Jay Leno
Earlier in the week, President Barack Obama met with 150 doctors and got all kinds of advice from them. This weekend he is going to try out all the tips they gave him on the golf course.
Over the weekend the president and the first lady celebrated their wedding anniversary by going out to dinner. There were no gifts exchanged. They didn’t exchange any gifts because, as you know, that would be socialism.
Obama had a very tense 25-minute meeting aboard Air Force One last week, with Gen. McChrystal, our top general in Afghanistan. Apparently McChrystal gave a speech in London last week that was very critical of Obama's policies in Afghanistan, and Obama was not happy. In fact, Obama considered this so important he’s thinking of canceling upcoming appearance on "Ellen."
Here’s how the rest of the world is different from us. The police in Australia want to reduce alcohol-related crime at race tracks so they are limiting each spectator to just 24 cans of beer a day. Only 24 a day! I guess kids can still drink 12 cans. That’s OK. Newborn babies are limited to six cans.
A list has been published of the foods that are most likely to expose you to infectious disease, and surprisingly all of them are healthy foods like leafy greens and fresh fruits. In other words, America is gonna be just fine.
Newark, N.J., has announced that November is “Turn Yourself In Month,” a chance for criminals to surrender to authorities. In other words, there is a way out of Newark.
In a recent interview, John McCain’s former campaign manager said that if Sarah Palin is the Republican Party’s presidential nominee, the results will be “catastrophic.” Then he said, “As opposed to when she was the vice-presidential nominee and everything went perfectly.”
The other day at a political fundraiser, Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi got to meet actor Robert Redford, and witnesses say she was flirting with him. There was an awkward moment when Pelosi winked at Redford — and $4,000 worth of Botox squirted out.
Late Show with David Letterman
After that trouble he had in California, Mel Gibson has had his record expunged. That episode no longer appears on his record. To that I say, “Happy Hanukkah.”
Scientists were awarded the Nobel Prize yesterday. The three winners in physics are known as “the masters of light.”Not to be confused with Dick Cheney, who’s known as “the Prince of Darkness.”
NASA scientists are going to shoot a missile at the moon, looking for water. They’re going to attack the moon hoping to find water. That pretty much sounds like our government — bomb first, look for evidence later.
It was Justice Sonia Sotomayor’s first day yesterday. There was a bit of hazing going on . . . Justice Roberts sent her to the hardware store to buy a left-handed gavel.
Late Show Top Ten
Top Ten Signs The Head of NASA Is Nuts
Before each liftoff, he licks the launch pad
Commutes to work in the Lunar Rover
Freaked out when he heard GM was closing Saturn
Takes his coffee with two sugars and a splash of rocket fuel
Wants to rename headquarters "Cape Kardashian"
Hasn't removed his space helmet since 1996
Wants to rename Venus "Derek"
Announced he wants to fake another moon landing by 2015
Put all his money on the Mets to win the World Series
It wouldn't be a company picnic if he didn't drop his pants and fire a rocket
The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson
Happy birthday to Fox News, who is 13 today . . . though I saw that on Fox News so I don’t know if it’s true.
NASA is sending a missile to the moon to find out if there’s water there. So NASA is finally doing something cool — they’re blowing up the moon.
If it works, NASA plans on looking for water on other planets. I would drink water from other planets. I’m not sure about water from Uranus, though . . .
Jimmy Kimmel Live!
The swine flu vaccine is now available. There’s a limited amount of the vaccine, so top priority goes to healthcare workers, then pregnant women, followed by young children, then strippers.
The last to receive the vaccination is the Backstreet Boys.
We’ve come a long way since last November. At this time last year, Levi Johnston, the father of Sarah Palin’s granddaughter, was preparing to possibly move in with the family in Washington . . . now, he’s preparing to pose for Playgirl magazine . . . with no Levis . . .
Late Night with Jimmy Fallon