President Obama told Queen Elizabeth that he likes the tea parties in England much better than the ones in the United States.

They drive on the other side of the road there, so Obama had to switch sides — kind of like Mitt Romney is doing over here.

I don’t want to say Tim Pawlenty is boring, but Joe Biden is accusing him of identity theft.

A new Facebook app is coming out that will remind users exactly what they were doing a year ago from that day. Nine times out of 10, the answer will be “wasting your time on Facebook.”

California has been ordered to reduce prison overcrowding by releasing 46,000 convicts. And they’re all in my audience tonight.

According to a new study, women are more attracted to men who are depressed. The study was conducted by the University of — oh, what’s the point?

The Kardashian sisters announced that they are writing a novel. The only thing that would shock me more would be to find out that they’re reading a novel.

I love Fleet Week in New York City because it’s the only time of year that I can walk around in my sailor suit without being hassled.

Good luck to Mayor Bloomberg on telling Navy SEALs they can’t smoke outside.

Kirstie Alley did a cartwheel on “Dancing With the Stars.” But President Obama is refusing to release the pictures.

On this date 19 years ago, Jay Leno took over “The Tonight Show.” And it wouldn’t be the last time.

"I like the challenge of parallel-parking a Nimitz-class supercarrier" (Lieutenant Junior Grade Sean Rice)

"What small-town kid hasn't dreamed of seeing Yonkers?" (Lieutenant Junior Grade Esther Kim)

"That information is classified" (Lieutenant Jonathan Houlihan)

"Seeing my favorite show: 'Late Night with Jimmy Fallon'" (Chief Timothy Armentrout)

"There's a guy in Times Square who plays guitar in his underwear" (Chief Donnie Haynes)

"All the guys buy me drinks" (Staff Sergeant Esty DeKinderin)

"All the guys buy me drinks" (Corporal Brian Hebert)

"Nice to wear a pristine white uniform in a city full of mysterious puddles" (Aircraft Handling Airman Erin Dixon)

"Honestly, I don't enjoy anything now that Oprah's gone" (Gunnery Sergeant Angel Cruz)

"Street punks don't mess with you when your ride is packing a rolling airframe missile launcher" (Major Rebecca Goodrich-Hinton)

Oprah just had her last show. Everyone got a car and a Stedman.

Oprah’s show will be on reruns until September, and then she will be replaced by Ashton Kutcher.

A world without Oprah is like a doughnut without jelly.

I like to think Oprah will be like Batman, and that we can shine a spotlight into the sky and she’ll reappear when we need her most — like when we can’t figure out what to read.

One of Sarah Palin’s supporters is about to release a documentary about her called “The Undefeated.” That’s like a documentary about Arnold Schwarzenegger called “The Faithful.”

Someone made a two-hour documentary about Sarah Palin’s political life. In case you’re interested in watching a movie that’s longer than Palin’s actual political life.”

Donald Trump now says he may run for president as an independent. And when Donald Trump says he’s going do something, Donald Trump . . . says he’s going to do something.

Rudy Giuliani is apparently thinking about running for president. Wow, that would bring us to, like, seven candidates — and about 35 ex-wives.