Thursday May 12 2011
Late Night Jokes Delivered to your Mailbox Daily!
The Tonight Show with Jay Leno
Have you seen these Republican presidential candidates? The only one that hasn’t had three wives is Mitt Romney — and he’s the Mormon!
An Illinois state senator wants to take away the state tax deduction from parents with an obese child. I’ve heard of getting behind on your taxes, but never getting taxed on your behind.
President Obama gave a speech about how great it is to have immigrants in our country. Maria Shriver may give the rebuttal.
According to TMZ, Arnold Schwarzenegger is willing to do anything to get his wife, Maria Shriver, back. He’s even willing to learn English.
Ron Paul is going to announce that he is running for president. He wants to legalize prostitution and heroin. His campaign slogan is, “Let’s just see what would happen.”
Moammar Gadhafi made an appearance on television to prove that he is still alive. When he saw this, Larry King said, “That proves nothing. I died 60 years ago.”
Oreo is planning to unveil a 3-cookie Double Stuf Oreo with an extra layer of cream called the “Triple Double.” The other name they considered was “Rocket Ship to Planet Diabetes.”
Late Show with David Letterman
Lindsay Lohan dropped the Lohan from her name, and she’s just Lindsay now. She should have dropped that necklace.
Lindsay was sentenced to four months in prison. To pay for her legal bills, she’ll do one more heist.
Lindsay said she’s happy to move this part of her life along and get back to her career. What career?
Newt Gingrich is running for president. This could be the political event of the year — 1996.
Late Show Top Ten
Top Ten Surprises in the Osama bin Laden Diary
Always dotted the "I" in "Jihad" with a smiley face
Expressed anger at not being invited to the royal wedding
Disguised himself by wearing a fake beard over his real beard
Was the first one to suggest Hugh Grant as a possible replacement for Charlie Sheen
Admitted in college he experimented with a member of the opposite sect
Preferred exploding boxers to exploding briefs
As much as he hated the United States, he loved Red Lobster's coconut shrimp bites
The guy just wouldn't shut up about the new Beastie Boys album
Would occasionally fax jokes to Leno
Turns out he was kind of a coward
The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson
The CIA is going through the stuff they found in Osama bin Laden’s compound, including a diary. I didn’t know he had a diary. That is so sweet.
They haven’t read the diary yet because they can’t find the little key to open it up.
Apparently Osama was quite a writer. History’s greatest monsters always have an artistic side. Osama was a writer, Hitler was a painter, and Justin Bieber was a singer.
Jimmy Kimmel Live!
There are only nine more Oprah shows until . . . we die, I guess.
Oprah says she’s planning to fulfill a lifelong dream of performing on Broadway. So after 25 years of singing every guest’s name, it finally pays off.
Charlie Sheen will be replaced by Ashton Kutcher on “Two and a Half Men.” Either that or Charlie Sheen just got punked.
President Obama’s approval rating is at a two-year high in the wake of Osama bin Laden’s death. If I were Obama, I’d fish bin Laden out of the ocean and kill him every Sunday.
Late Night with Jimmy Fallon
President Obama was just ranked 108th in a new list from Golf Digest of the top 150 golfers in the political world. But I hear he’s improving. Last week in Pakistan, he shot two holes in one.
The University of Chicago will be holding a one-day class on “Jersey Shore” in the fall. Which marks the first time the words “Jersey Shore” and “class” have been used in the same sentence.
There’s a company in Los Angeles that’s selling a bottle of water for $2,600. You know what’s just as ridiculous? A $2 bottle of water.
A Dairy Queen in Canada broke a world record this week by creating a 10-ton ice cream dessert. Or as we call that in America, “a medium.”