Thursday Oct 08 2009
Late Night Jokes Delivered to your Mailbox Daily!
The Tonight Show with Jay Leno
According to a recent poll, President Obama’s approval rating in California has dropped. It’s pretty bad. In fact, among Hollywood celebrities, it’s now down to just 99 percent.
The big question with troops in Afghanistan is, How soon can we expect a decision from President Obama? I don’t think it’s going to happen anytime soon. Remember — it took five months to decide on a puppy.
Congress is now considering giving $500 to every baby born in the United States. They want to promote savings. So $500 is given to every baby at birth. And it’s a thousand dollars if it turns out your congressman is your baby’s father.
Is that a good idea, have a baby get $500? You thought a lot of illegals were coming here to have kids before . . . now there is a cash bonus.
A new study claims that Fresno, Calif. is the least intelligent city in America. No reaction from Fresno yet, because the study is still being translated into a series of grunts and crazy arm gestures.
Michael Vick has agreed to star in a new reality series that he’s hoping will help repair his image from his big dog fighting scandal. I don’t have a lot of details. The only thing I know is it won’t be on Animal Planet.
This weekend, President Obama plans to appoint his administration’s first openly gay ambassador, David Huebner. Huebner will serve as the U.S. ambassador to Barbra Streisand.
Marijuana activists in California are determined to get enough signatures for a proposal on the ballot to legalize pot. In fact, they’re going to get right on that just as soon as “Scooby Doo” is over.
Late Show with David Letterman
Mayor Bloomberg was at the Yankees game last night. He was in one of those thousand-dollar seats . . . a thousand dollars! To be fair, they threw in a phone book he could sit on.
Everyone has playoff fever . . . I thought I had playoff fever, but it turned out to be swine flu.
They now have a McDonald’s at the Louvre in France. They even have a drive through. Here’s how it works: You drive up and shout your order into Van Gogh’s good ear.
NASA is shooting a rocket at the moon. The government says don’t worry; they’re pretty sure we’ll be greeted as liberators.
Late Show Top Ten
Top Ten Things
Phillips head screwdriver
Five-fingered clawhammer banjo technique
Egg salad that's not too mayonnaise-y and not too eggy
Strange hair on your hotel bedspread
The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson
Michael Vick is getting his own reality show. I think it’s called, “I’m a Dog — Get Me Outta Here.”
There’s a news story out that says the pill is making women choose more effeminate men. C’mon that’s nuts. I’m not sure I believe the news at all anymore. They seem to print stuff they read on Twitter. That’s like going to the street corner and talking to the guy who’s barking at the sky. I thought CNN stood for Cable News Network, not Crazy Night Nuts.
You have to consider the source of your news. For instance, Fox News isn’t always “Fair and Balanced” . . . MSNBC is not really the “Place for Politics” . . . not really. And when they say, “All the News You Can Use,” they’re not really giving you all the news. If they were, they’d say, “Your car keys are behind the couch.”
I watch a little of both: Fox News and MSNBC. It’s like mixing matter and anti-matter.
Jimmy Kimmel Live!
This is a historic night — the United States is going to bomb the moon. This is what happens when you have a president whose slogan is, “Yes, we can.”
Bombing seems like a bad idea. The moon has been very good to us. Why blow it up?
In other space-related news, NASA downgraded the odds of an 885-foot asteroid, the Apophis asteroid, of hitting the world in 2036 to 1 in 250,000, which coincidentally, are also the odds of Sarah Palin becoming president by 2036.
Late Night with Jimmy Fallon
Obama had dozens of middle school students over to the White House last night and set up 20 telescopes outside to look at stars. The kids were kinda bratty though. One of them was like, “Hey look — I can see Rio de Janeiro!”
Tonight, President Obama hosted a basketball game at the White House for several members of Congress. He didn’t even want to play, he just wanted to see Congress pass something.
The basketball game was very intense. At one point Hillary landed hard and sprained her cankle.
Nick Nolte’s 23-year-old son, Brawley Nolte, was arrested in California for drunk driving. Or, as Nick Nolte calls it, “driving.”