Congratulations to Barack Obama — he has won the 2009 Nobel Peace Prize. Apparently, the Nobel committee wanted to recognize the president’s fine work in bringing peace to a black professor and a white cop through the strategic use of beer.

President Obama said he was humbled to win the prize. Not as humble as he was when Rio got the Olympics. But still humble.

President Obama said he will go to Oslo, Norway to collect the award. Roman Polanski said, “It’s a trick — don’t go; you’ll be arrested.”

That’s pretty amazing, winning the Nobel Peace Prize. Ironically, his biggest accomplishment as president so far . . . winning the Nobel Peace Prize.

Today, President Obama was awarded the Nobel Peace Prize. The committee said they gave it to Obama partly for his idealism and commitment to global cooperation, but mostly for calling Kanye West a jackass.

It’s a great honor for America that Obama won the Nobel Peace Prize. Unfortunately, our economy is so bad, Obama’s already been forced to trade the medal in at “Cash 4 Gold.”

President Obama’s Nobel Peace Prize comes with $1.4 million in cash. Or as Fox News reported it, “Obama Caught Taking Bribe from Swedish Government.”

Last Night on “Larry King Live,” CNN’s Dr. Sanjay Gupta demonstrated a new way of doing CPR. Luckily for Larry King, it worked.

A new McDonald’s has opened up at the Louvre Museum in Paris. The figured that’s the only way they would get Americans in a museum.

Over there you can shout your order into Mona Lisa’s face.

We’ve come up with No.4 of “Things More Fun Than Reading Sarah Palin’s Memoir”: Getting hit by a truck.

You invented swine flu

Misspelled "Nobel" and "Prize" on application

Mathematics paper notes "all figures approximate"

There's no Nobel Prize for napping

Your peacemaking efforts focused on Jon and Kate

You're up against Tina Fey — she wins everything!

Only prize you've ever won was for eating 68 hot dogs in 10 minutes

Devoted your life to creating a sushi that will still allow Jeremy Piven to act

Only medical experience? Sticking a needle in A-Rod's ass

Barack Obama flew to Sweden to plead on your behalf

Today is Leif Erikson Day. He got to North America 500 years before Columbus. But he was a Viking. And Vikings have a bad rap. Columbus got a whole city in Ohio named after him. What did Leif Erikson get? Leif Garrett was named after him.

He got nothing named after him. Leaf blowers maybe?

For me, I find it hard to discover something if there’s already people living there. Saying you discovered it is like saying kids were discovered at the Octo-Mom’s house.

Big news: We bombed the moon this morning. We sent a missile into its surface. That’s gotta be a lesson to North Korea and Iran — we bombed the moon for no good reason at all.

A day after declaring war on the moon, President Obama was awarded the Nobel Peace Prize.

Vice president Biden was awarded the Nobel Hair-Piece Prize.

Along with his trophy, the president will receive $1.4 million in prize money . . . so say hello to a whole new closet of mom jeans everybody.

Congratulations to President Obama, who won the Nobel Peace Prize this morning. That’s quite an accomplishment. I’m sure he’ll pick it up as soon as he’s finished fighting two wars.

Along with the Nobel Peace Prize President Obama also gets $1.4 million. Usually to get a check that big you need to blackmail David Letterman.

The White House admitted that they made a mistake by not inviting women to play in President Obama’s basketball game last night. Although it would have made “shirts vs. skins” a little awkward.

The women really wanted to play. Nancy Pelosi had her game face on. Of course, when does she not have her game face on?