Thursday Apr 14 2011
Late Night Jokes Delivered to your Mailbox Daily!
The Tonight Show with Jay Leno
Another air traffic controller fell asleep on the job, but he had a good excuse. He was watching President Obama’s deficit speech.
The air traffic controllers are sleeping, the TSA is groping you, and the pilots are drunk. Who would have thought the most reliable workers at the airport would be the baggage handlers?
Barack and Michelle Obama will appear on Oprah’s show soon. Not to be outdone, Donald Trump’s hair will be making an appearance on Animal Planet.
Charlie Sheen says he wants his old job back on “Two and a Half Men.” Thank God he didn’t burn any bridges.
Critics say it’s illegal for Donald Trump to run for president while hosting a TV show. It’s also illegal to run for president if your hair wasn’t born in this country.
Obama is set to appear on one of Oprah’s last shows. He’s hoping it’s the one where she gives away $14 trillion.
MSNBC reports that there’s a nationwide shortage on drugs for ADD. I think there was more to that story, but I lost interest.
Late Show Top Ten
Top Ten Tax Tips
IRS deadlines are just suggestions. File your taxes whenever you want.
Warlocks may not claim trolls as dependents
Make filing more personable by naming your calculator. Mine is named “Owen.”
Make sure your accountant went to a real school and not a phony internet college like I did.
H Block: Good guy, R Block: complete greaseball
Getting a refund? Log on to IRS.gov to spin the wheel and play “double or nothing”
If you don’t remember your social security number, make one up
Do not use Wesley Snipes’ accountant
Not really a tax tip, but accountants are wild in the sack
Take it from me, prison’s not so bad
The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson
It’s a bad day for soap operas. ABC has canceled “All My Children” and “One Life to Live.” The announcement was made by the president of ABC daytime — or was it his evil twin?
A high-ranking official at the FAA had to resign because air traffic controllers are falling asleep. I think FAA stands for “fell asleep again.”
The most recent episode happened in Reno. I’ve been to Reno, and not landing at Reno is not the worst thing in the world.
Luckily, no one was hurt, except for the feelings of the people in Reno when I made that last joke.
Jimmy Kimmel Live!
Tax day is usually April 15, but they pushed it back to April 18 this year because I couldn’t get my stuff together.
Donald Trump says he has never been more serious about running for president and that this is not a publicity stunt — but make sure to watch the announcement on the season finale of “Celebrity Apprentice.”
Lady Gaga claims that she does not believe in plastic surgery. I agree with her, except in my case, where I had to have a tail removed.
The Navy tested a high power laser beam to help fight pirates. There’s nothing the pirates can do to defend themselves against this laser — unless they buy a mirror.
Late Night with Jimmy Fallon