Thursday Apr 07 2011
Late Night Jokes Delivered to your Mailbox Daily!
The Tonight Show with Jay Leno
A lot of people wonder what a government shutdown would be like. I think a lot more people wonder what a government running properly would be like.
President Obama said today that Americans are just going to have to get used to higher gas prices. To which Dick Cheney said, “That’s change I can believe in. I like this Obama guy.”
Glenn Beck announced that he is ending his daily show on Fox News. He didn’t want to end it. He just ran out of conspiracy theories.
If the government shuts down, 800,000 federal workers could get a call saying they’re “non-essential.” Wouldn’t it be weird if 800,000 people got the same call that I get from my dad every day?
If there’s a shutdown, federal meat inspections may be delayed. In other words, Taco Bell will not be affected.
The White House confirmed that President Obama got a letter from Moammar Gadhafi. They wouldn’t confirm the contents of the letter, but it did end with the question, “Do you like me? Check yes, no, or maybe.”
Toyota says they’re going to start integrating Microsoft technology into their vehicles. It’s perfect for the person who wants a car that crashes every 10 minutes.
Late Show with David Letterman
The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson
Donald Trump came in second place in a poll asking people who they want for president. I wouldn’t get too excited. It was a poll of Democrats.
Psychologists have been studying popular music to see what it says about us as a society, and they’ve reached the conclusion that we are all narcissists. I just like the idea of psychologists studying the lyrics to pop music.
These are psychologists, not psychiatrists. A psychologist is someone that didn’t feel the need to spend all that time in medical school.
Sigmund Freud came up with the term narcissist, named for the Greek hunter Narcissus. He was like the John Stamos of his day.
Jimmy Kimmel Live!
Democrats and Republicans in Congress are still fighting over the budget. If they can’t agree, there will be a big government shutdown. What we really need is a big government shut-up.
The shutdown would mean that all non-essential workers would stop coming to work. I’m OK with that. Why do we even have non-essential workers?
Donald Trump said he can’t make a decision on running for president until this season of “Celebrity Apprentice” is over. That may be the best excuse ever for postponing a run for the presidency.
Trump is doing well in the polls. He’s in second place among Republican voters. Among tea partyers, he’s in first place. Although to be fair, in the tea party poll, Chuck Norris is in second place and third place is an AK-47.
Late Night with Jimmy Fallon
President Obama revealed that up until a few years ago, he was still paying off his student loans. In response, China was like, “Oh, so you do know how to repay loans.”
A new study found that families with two daughters are the happiest. Unless, of course, their dad currently has a 42 percent approval rating.
New York lawmakers are deciding if corn should be the official state vegetable. Yeah, because when people come to New York, their first thought is, “I gotta try this corn.”