Tuesday Oct 13 2009
Late Night Jokes Delivered to your Mailbox Daily!
The Tonight Show with Jay Leno
President Obama has promised to end the "Don't ask, don't tell” policy in the military. So besides winning a Nobel Peace Prize, it looks like he could also get a Tony.
President Obama won another Nobel Prize today. This time in medicine for pretending to give up smoking.
The Nobel Peace Prize also comes with a cash award of $1.4 million. Apparently, this is President Obama's plan to finance healthcare reform.
Roman Polanski's lawyer says Polanski feels "depressed" in jail. Hard to believe that just three weeks ago, he was a happy, well-adjusted pedophile.
Today, the head of the Nobel Prize Committee defended the decision to give President Obama this year’s Peace Prize saying that Obama’s already accomplished quite a bit. When asked for an example, the committee chairman said, “C’mon, he won the freakin’ Nobel Peace Prize.”
The Nobel Committee is saying the reason they gave Obama the Peace Prize is for reducing tension around the world. So, the runners-up for this year’s Nobel Prize were “red wine” and ”the Brookstone 3-Speed Massaging Recliner.”
A new article shows that the phrase used most often by President Obama is “let me be clear.” Whereas the phrase used most often by Joe Biden is “Hey, where are you all going?”
A New York man was arrested last week after allegedly scheduling an appointment with a telemarketer and then punching him. The telemarketer waited until dinner time and then called the police.
Late Show with David Letterman
Yesterday, Bernie Madoff got into a fight in prison. He’s really screwed, now.
Bernie and another inmate fought over the stock market. Isn’t that how all prison fights start, when you think about it?
But he met with a special prison consultant before he went away so he was able to handle himself very well. The prison consultant? Martha Stewart.
President Obama’s healthcare plan passed the Senate finance Committee this afternoon. Republicans were disappointed. They had their own version of the health plan — swine flu masks and Purell.
Late Show Top Ten
The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson
It’s raining here in L.A. Authorities are worried about mudslides, though. The rain can send all sorts of things sliding down — rocks, mud, loose Baldwins . . .
Nothing can prepare you for a loose Baldwin on your lawn.
A Republican senator from Maine voted with the Democrats on healthcare. What!?! This is the first time a Republican has switched sides and not been arrested in an airport bathroom.
Jimmy Kimmel Live!
Late Night with Jimmy Fallon
The Treasury Department said today that the Taliban is much-better funded than al-Qaida. Al-Qaida said they’d be doing much better if they hadn’t invested with Bernie Madoff.
Scottish celebrities are trying to prevent Donald Trump from building a huge golf course in Scotland. Trump has a way around them, though. It’s called buying Scotland.
Colorado will become the first state to lower the minimum wage. They plan to lower it from $7.28 to $7.25. As a compromise, workers will be able to leave work nine seconds earlier.
Walmart employees were like, “There’s a minimum wage?”