Newt Gingrich said he is worried that America could become an atheist country dominated by radical Islam. Another thing to worry about is those pacifist warmongers.

If they team up with the communist capitalists, we’re all finished.

Over a million female employees are suing Walmart claiming that women are paid less than men. Walmart denied the claim, saying they underpay all their employees equally.

A museum of organized crime opened in Las Vegas. Actually, Las Vegas is the museum of organized crime.

President Obama says that he prays every night before bed. Or as Fox News reported, “Obama in Daily Talks With Allah.”

Obama said that one solution for using less oil is more nuclear power. He also admitted that he doesn’t follow the news.

English farmers are feeding their cattle healthier food to reduce the amount of gas they produce. Farmers also say they won’t fall for the old “pull my hoof” trick.

How about that Moammar Gadhafi? His first problem is that his name is Moammar.

They found a bullet hole in an airplane after it landed. It sounds like Dick Cheney is hunting again.

No one was injured. The bullet went through the fuselage and was luckily stopped by a dinner role.

Less murdering

Capture and return the Bronx Zoo cobra

Release hit novelty song "Moammar Said There'd Be Days Like This"

Promote himself from colonel to general

Bring back the Ukrainian nurse

Share hairstyling tips for getting that coveted Philip Michael Thomas look

Replace Gilbert Gottfried as Aflac duck

Just for fun, throw in some more Qs

Go on tour with Hosni Mubarak as the "Original Dictators of Comedy"

Die

There’s a new reality show about coal miners called, “Coal.” Coal powers electrical plants, trains, and Regis Philbin.

It’s about time we honor America’s coal miners. Without them, American snowmen wouldn’t have eyes.

The coal miners on the new show are quite tough. They make the guys on “Ice Road Truckers” look like the cast of “Glee.”

There’s a Chinese 3-year-old that weighs 132 pounds. The Chinese are beating us in fat kids now too.

Most 3-year-olds that weigh 132 pounds are in a tank at Sea World.

There is still a deadly cobra on the loose in the Bronx. This could be the greatest April Fools’ Day prank ever.

Charlie Sheen’s live show starts this weekend but there are a lot of unsold tickets. It turns out “Two and a Half Men” is the name of his TV show as well as the number of people that will be at his live show.

In an interview with ABC, President Obama said he has to do something about the bags under his eyes. In response, Nancy Pelosi was like, “Call this number and tell them Pelosi sent you.”

There’s a new viral video of twin toddlers having a conversation with each other, even though they seem to be speaking gibberish. But I can understand them thanks to my latest purchase: “Rosetta Stone: Charlie Sheen Edition.”

President Obama’s approval rating just hit an all-time low of 42 percent. To put that in perspective, the cobra that escaped from the Bronx Zoo has an approval rating of 43 percent.

A new survey found that 55 percent of men expect to pay on the first date. While the other 45 percent have never been on a second date.