The Tonight Show with Jay Leno

I feel great. Last night, I slept like an air traffic controller.

Two passenger planes landed in Washington, D.C. with no assistance from a sleeping air traffic controller. Luckily, the pilots were too drunk to notice.

For Lent, some people give up meat, and some people give up drinking. President Obama gave up conferring with Congress.

Dennis Kucinich wants to impeach President Obama over Libya. There’s a very good case against impeachment. It’s called "Joe Biden."

 

Conan

Rerun

 

Late Show with David Letterman

Rerun

 

The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson

Rerun

 

Jimmy Kimmel Live!

President Obama returned home from Latin America but the door to the Oval Office was locked when he arrived. Now the U.S. is at war with a door.

I’m so sad that this season of “Jersey Shore” is over. I’m going to steal an orange traffic cone, get it drunk, and call it “Snooki.”

Next season, the “Jersey Shore” crew is going to Italy. Why not Libya? It’s more topical.

 

Late Night with Jimmy Fallon

President Obama had to use another door to get into the White House yesterday after he got home and the entrance to the Oval Office was locked. When he couldn’t get in, Obama said “Holy cow, is it 2012 already?”

ABC is not pressing charges against Chris Brown for smashing the window in his dressing room. Unfortunately though, Microsoft is suing him for violating their patent on crashing Windows.

I read about a three-year-old boy in China who weighs 132 pounds. In fact, he’s so overweight that he can barely walk to work in the morning.