Thursday Mar 03 2011
Late Night Jokes Delivered to your Mailbox Daily!
The Tonight Show with Jay Leno
Gov. Scott Walker’s dispute with Wisconsin’s labor unions is making him unpopular with his constituents, who feel like he’s attacking his own people. That’s not good, because the only other guy doing that right now is Moammar Gadhafi.
Mexico’s president arrived in Washington. He’s here to do the work that American presidents won’t do.
Charlie Sheen said that he’s now more popular than President Obama, at which point Mike Huckabee accused him of growing up in Kenya.
In a new book, the Pope exonerates the Jews for the death of Jesus. Well, not a moment too soon. He really nipped that one in the bud.
Charlie Sheen joined Twitter and within two days, had 1.4 million people following him. To be fair, most of those people work for the Center for Disease Control.
Charlie even beat Oprah’s record. Charlie, drugs and alcohol are one thing, but now you’re playing with fire.
Protests continue in Libya. It was reported that most of the protests are being organized on a dating website, which explains why half the protest signs say “No Gadhafi” and the other half say “No fatties.”
Brigham Young University kicked one of its star basketball players off the team for violating a school rule that prohibits extramarital sex. On the bright side, I think he’ll do just fine in the NBA.
Late Show with David Letterman
Happy birthday to Alexander Graham Bell. In his honor, I’ll be phoning in.
New York City’s Mayor Bloomberg has banned outdoor smoking. Gun smoke, radioactive steam, and the guy on the corner roasting a goat are no problem.
New Yorkers were quick to obey the new law. Yesterday, I saw a crack dealer selling Nicorette gum.
I love tax season. My accountant says that I can save a lot of money if I declare my show a church.
Late Show Top Ten
Top Ten Things You Don't Want to Hear During Spring Training
"My fastball is up to 43 miles per hour"
"Instead of 'Tommy John surgery', I had 'Elton John surgery'"
"This year, everyone's getting paid in gum"
"I could watch you squat for hours"
"Your new clean-up hitter, A-Rod — Adam Rodstein"
"You just tested positive for pine tar"
"Run for your lives! Sabathia's eating again!"
"Why is Tommy Lasorda naked?"
The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson
Florida became a state on this day in 1845. The amazing thing is that most of Florida’s population was alive to witness it.
A lot of celebrities check into hotels under fake names. I always use a name that no one will recognize: Craig Ferguson.
Some swanky hotels in New York City are now renting rooms by the hour. Aren’t hotel rooms dirty enough already?
Jimmy Kimmel Live!
Randy Jackson is now the mean judge on “American Idol.” He’s telling some contestants that they sound like they’re doing karaoke. He’s right. Some of the karaoke singers do sound like they’re doing karaoke.
The only difference between “American Idol” and karaoke is that on “Idol,” they don’t have the words in front of them and most of them aren’t drunk while they’re singing.
“Jersey Shore” doesn’t seem so crazy now that we have Charlie Sheen. Now, it’s more like watching “Touched By an Angel.”
Late Night with Jimmy Fallon
The president of Mexico, Felipe Calderon, visited the White House. He asked to meet with our country’s biggest importer of Mexican goods: Charlie Sheen.
A new report found that the U.S. spends more than $5 billion on redundant government programs. Another report found that the U.S. spends more than $5 billion on redundant government programs.
A new study found that a chemical in your body can actually make you a bad dancer. It's called “vodka.”
A recent study found that the U.S. has a higher obesity rate than Canada. Then again, maybe we just look fatter because our flag has horizontal stripes.