Christina Aguilera was arrested for public intoxication. I don’t know if she was disoriented or what, but she demanded to go back on the set of “Two and a Half Men.”

Charlie Sheen said that you can’t compare him to other people because he has “tiger blood.” Then Tiger Woods said, “I have Charlie Sheen blood.”

It was really cool at the Oscars when they made it appear as if Bob Hope was alive. That’s the same technology they’ll use at Hugh Hefner’s wedding.

A federal watchdog agency says that overlapping and duplicate programs waste billions of dollars each year. Congress is taking this study so seriously that they’re ordering a second study to look into it.

The Middle East has their own Charlie Sheen right now: Moammar Gadhafi.

They’re saying Gadhafi is “disconnected from reality.” According to the State Department, Gadhafi thought this year’s Oscars were fantastic.

New Hampshire is debating a bill to classify some airport screenings as sexual assault. California is debating a bill that would classify those same screenings as “doing what you need to do to get the part.”

Christina Aguilera was arrested for public intoxication. Police knew she was drunk because she got all the words to the national anthem right.

My name is Dave Letterman. I’m hooked on a drug called “Dave Letterman.”

You can’t smoke outdoors in New York City anymore. If they catch you, it’s a $50 fine — same as murder.

Moammar Gadhafi is starting to sound a little crazy. Al-Jazeera canceled his show, “Two and a Half Shiites.”

Gadhafi said his people “love him.” I think that’s what he said. It was hard to hear over the rebel gunfire.

Neither he nor Christiane Amanpour could pronounce each other’s names

Asked for Lady Gaga’s cell number

Condemned the Academy for not giving Best Actor Oscar to Jesse Eisenberg

Wanted to plug his latest project: “Big Moammar’s House”

Left early to attend Justin Bieber’s 17th birthday party

Kept stopping to phone Mike Fancesca at WFAN

Explained how to do a hassle-free home perm

The freestyle rapping

Livid he wasn’t chosen for next season of “Dancing With the Stars”

Claimed to be a “rock star from Mars riding a Mercury surfboard”

Happy birthday to Kmart. And as always, thank you for the awesome suits.

Christina Aguilera was arrested for public intoxication. Is that really a crime?

Apparently Aguilera was stumbling and incoherent, which makes her perfect to host next year’s Oscars.

Anne Hathaway says she was paid $750,000 to wear a Tiffany diamond necklace to the Oscars. Lindsay Lohan said, “You can do that?”

Welcome to the only show in America not featuring Charlie Sheen.

Happy National Pancake Day. This is why our country is so fat.

It’s also Justin Bieber’s birthday. On this day in 1994, Mama Bieber had a “baby, baby, baby.”

I’ve been tracking Hurricane Charlie Sheen. He’s making Mel Gibson look like Debbie Gibson.

On Piers Morgan’s show, Charlie Sheen brought out a drug test to prove that he’s clean. Then he answered some questions to prove that he’s not.

Happy 17th birthday to Justin Bieber. He’s finally old enough for his parents to move out of his house.

Bristol Palin is releasing a book called “Not Afraid of Life.” Meanwhile, Sarah Palin is releasing a book called, “I’m Afraid of Books.”

A company in Massachusetts is building a robotic cheetah. If I wanted a cat with the personality of a robot, I’d just get a cat.