The king of Saudi Arabia announced that he is giving his people $37 billion in subsidies and payments. It’s not a stimulus package, it’s a “don’t overthrow me” package.

Economists say that with all this unrest, gas prices could rise to $5 a gallon. The good news is that instead of this money going to ruthless America-hating dictators, it will go to ruthless America-hating democracies.

Boeing has unveiled the new 787, the longest passenger plane in the world. It seats 500 passengers comfortably — or 2,800 passengers uncomfortably.

There’s a proposal in San Francisco to ban circumcision. Apparently, the proposal has the support of 100 percent of newborn males.

A new poll shows that Donald Trump could beat President Obama in 2012. The poll was taken by Trump Polls International.

A Japanese tech company is developing a wristwatch device to help seniors monitor their health. They say it’s a vast improvement from what they used to use: a countdown clock.

Larry King announced that he’ll do a national stand-up comedy tour. It will be called the “Almost Def Comedy Jam.”

A judge complained when Lindsay Lohan showed up to court in a skin-tight dress, so the next time, she showed up in a giant, plastic egg.

It may be a coincidence, but after her court appearance, the gavel was missing.

She’s been to court so many times that after one more visit, she gets to keep the Bible.

Mallomar Cookie

Milli Vanilli

Grande No-Foam Latte

Live! with Regis and Kelly

Lady QaQa

Mumizzle Qadizzle

Mouthful of Taffy

Kathy Mavrikakis

Gadhaffy Duck

Qarmelo Anthony

Moammar Gadhafi has promised to die defending his regime. He’s the kind of guy that has a bad idea and just sticks with it.

Gadhafi was rambling on military TV and no one was paying attention. Now he’s crossed the line, because that’s my thing.

Iran’s President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad has said Gadhafi has gone too far. That’s like an Australian bartender telling you that you’ve had too much to drink.

In 50 years, gas-powered cars will be antiquated. You’ll only see them in museums, or in Jay Leno’s garage.

The Academy Awards are like the Oscars of awards shows, in so many ways.

Lindsay Lohan was back in court for the eighth time in nine months. That time share she bought across from the courthouse is really working out.

At this point, the sketch artist in the courtroom can draw her while blindfolded.

Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid says he wants to outlaw prostitution in his home state of Nevada. He said he wants to keep prostitution where it belongs — in Washington, D.C.

President Obama has appointed AOL founder Steve Case to the White House jobs council. Hiring the founder of AOL is expensive, but Obama got a CD-ROM in the mail that offered 100 free hours.

A woman in Florida was arrested for attacking her roommate because she ate her Thin Mint Girl Scout cookies. I’d never attack someone for eating my Thin Mint cookies. But if anyone touched my Samoas I’d cut them.

The budget airline EasyJet apologized to Jewish passengers for only serving pork on a flight to Israel. Still, that wasn’t nearly as bad as their in-flight entertainment: a Mel Gibson double feature.