I spent Presidents Day acting like a president. I took someone else’s money and spent it on something I don’t need.
Libyan dictator Moammar Gadhafi was on TV and he was angry and defiant. Then he went off the air and no one has seen him since — kind of like Keith Olbermann.
Gadhafi said he will fight the protestors until the end and he will die as a martyr. The protestors responded by saying, “Deal.”
The Pentagon is testing a robotic hummingbird that can be used as a spy camera. They say it will help them track down terrorists and pretty flowers.
Libyan dictator Moammar Gadhafi said that people protesting against him are under the influence of “hallucination pills.” In a related story, Charlie Sheen just boarded a plane to Libya.
Rahm Emanuel is expected to win the election for mayor of Chicago. In keeping with Chicago tradition, his victory was announced two weeks ago.
Justin Bieber donated his famous bangs to charity. Upon receiving the bangs, the people of Darfur said, “Thanks?”
Queen Elizabeth posted an ad online for an assistant in the Buckingham Palace washroom. Apparently, that’s where the queen started before she worked her way up.
Kentucky Fried Chicken is changing its slogan from “Finger Lickin’ Good” to “Artery Clogging Good.”
KFC changes their slogan every 50 years, just like their fryer oil.
Charlie Sheen is coming back to “Two and a Half Men.” They’re making some changes to the show, such as adding an ambulance.
Lindsay Lohan is going back to prison. She said she can’t go to prison because it will interfere with her career. I thought prison was her career.
Top Ten Surprises in Gadhafi's Address
Announced intention to return next week to the "Two and a Half Men" set
Ran down the various spellings of his name
Delivered entire speech in the hilarious "Gadhafi Duck" voice
Tearful shout-out to his good friend Jack LaLanne
Referred to himself as a "Mama Grizzly"
Will leave early to do some freestyle pickin'
Had some tough but fair straight talk for Lindsay Lohan
Rushed things along so he wouldn't miss tonight's all new episode of "Glee." Who knew he was a Gleek?
Listed his favorite Kardashians from "Hottest" to "Nottest"
Even he can't believe how much the Knicks gave for Carmelo
Justin Bieber got a haircut. Protesters are already calling for Bieber’s hairdresser to step down. It’s a revolution.
Congratulations to Rahm Emanuel on being elected as mayor of Chicago. How do I know he will win? It’s Chicago, I called a guy last week to find out.
If Rahm Emanuel is elected as mayor, he’ll have to keep his language clean. He wouldn’t want to sully the otherwise spotless reputation of Chicago politics.
It must have been a tough decision for Rahm to leave the White House, because if he doesn’t get elected mayor, he may be unemployed. But either way, he got away from Biden.
They’re preparing for the Oscars here in Hollywood. They’re rolling out the red carpet and shipping all the homeless people to San Diego.
We have a betting pool for the Oscars. It’s a good way to get people who don’t like sports addicted to gambling.
Rush Limbaugh called Michelle Obama a hypocrite, criticizing her for eating ribs on vacation. Rush shouldn’t talk. He would eat his own ribs if you put sauce on them.
Justin Bieber has cut his hair. Thousands of angry fans stopped following him on Twitter, and he’s no longer an honorary Ewok.
A Russian airline is hiring clowns, actors, and musicians to entertain passengers during flights. When I’m on a stuffy plane with babies crying and people complaining, my first thought is always, “There should be clowns here.”
A recent study found that men who go bald in their early 20s have an increased risk of developing prostate cancer. So I guess going bald in your 20s isn’t as great as you thought.
The National Geographic channel has a new show that gives an inside look at the Secret Service. That’s right, it’s called “Ruining the Whole Point of the Secret Service.”
Larry King is launching a one-man show that will let audience members ask him questions. The No. 1 question he'll get from people is, “Why are you standing in my yard?”