Monday Feb 14 2011
Late Night Jokes Delivered to your Mailbox Daily!
The Tonight Show with Jay Leno
Happy Valentine's Day. Honestly, how many guys didn't realize it was Valentine's Day until I just said it?
According to Glamour magazine, 12 percent of married adults met their spouses online. The other 88 percent met somebody else’s spouse online.
Charlie Sheen gave an anti-drug lecture to the UCLA baseball team. I understand this week, they’re bringing in Lindsay Lohan to talk about stealing bases.
Health officials are investigating the Playboy mansion after more than 80 guests at a party became sick with some strain of Legionnaires disease. If you spend a night at the Playboy mansion and all you get is Legionnaires disease, consider yourself lucky.
Historians say the first exchange of Valentine’s Day cards in America was in the 1600s. Back then, they said “Be my valentine or I’ll have you burned for witchcraft.”
Khloe Kardashian and her husband Lamar Odom are coming out with a cologne for Valentine’s Day. It’s called “One of Us Has a Skill.”
A new app called the “Love Calculator” allows you to calculate your chances for love. Sometimes the app goes by its original name, “a breathalyzer.”
It’s been reported that Borders bookstores will declare bankruptcy. I’m not sure how this happened, but I read about it at Borders in a magazine I had no intention of buying.
Late Show with David Letterman
Justin Bieber was nominated to win a Grammy, and Charlie Sheen was there too, hoping to win a gram.
I really hope this is the year that Charlie Sheen meets the right porn star.
Hosni Mubarak stepped down. You have to ask yourself if he’s really leaving or if he’s just pulling a Leno.
They say that King Tut’s necklace might have been looted. Oh, Lindsay Lohan.
Late Show Top Ten
Top Ten Good Things About Appearing In The Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Edition
I've always dreamed of seeing my photo on the wall of a Jiffy Lube
I'm already booked as "Girl on Beach" for the next episode of "Hawaii Five-O"
All the body paints I can eat
The cover girl gets 10 percent off all swimwear, including goggles
When a police officer asks me for I.D., I say, "Check page 47"
It helps my chances for the Nobel Prize in Modeling
On the tax form under occupation, I can write "Hot"
I got to meet Larry Csonka
Appearing on popular television shows . . . and this one
The hilarious late night phone calls from Charlie Sheen
The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson
You can tell it’s Valentine’s Day in Los Angeles because love is in the air — if love is defined as purple smog.
It was Egypt’s first week without Mubarak. He finally stepped down because of that sexy picture of him on the Internet.
President Obama unveiled his new budget, including $1 trillion in spending cuts, which Obama called the most painful choice he’s ever made. Then he looked over at Joe Biden and said, “OK, 2nd most painful choice.”
The first official Valentine’s Day was declared by King Henry VIII, who was married six times. He was the Larry King of his day. Actually, that’s not true. It was the 16th Century, so Larry King was there.
Jimmy Kimmel Live!
I know that roses are expensive but $120 for a dozen? That’s a lot of money for a plant you can’t smoke.
Chocolate is also becoming very expensive. This Russell Stover needs to be locked up next to Bernie Madoff.
Last year, Lady Gaga showed up at the VMAs wearing a meat dress and this year, she came to the Grammys inside an egg. She’s going with a steak and eggs theme, I guess.
Late Night with Jimmy Fallon
Happy Valentine’s Day to everybody. Or if you’re single, Happy Ben & Jerry’s Day!
Guests got sick roughly 48 hours after going to a party at the Playboy mansion. That’s weird because usually after a party at the Playboy mansion, you don’t get symptoms for 4 to 6 weeks.
Egyptian officials say that Hosni Mubarak is going through a “severe psychological condition.” It's called “getting dumped a week before Valentine's Day.”
The bookstore chain Borders will reportedly file for bankruptcy sometime this week. Of course, this is really bad news for their most dedicated clientele: people who need to go to the bathroom.