President Obama urged private businesses to hire more workers. He didn’t realize that only the government hires more people than it needs.

Washington, D.C. is updating its traffic cameras to enforce traffic laws. How about enforcing bribery and corruption laws?

There was a power outage at Newark Airport. Who wants a TSA pat-down with the lights off?

Peru has changed its national anthem. It wasn’t too hard to change the lyrics. They just let Christina Aguilera sing it.

An Egyptian Google executive has become a hero to Egyptian protestors for a Facebook page he created. Still no luck selling his futon on Craigslist, though.

The Catholic Church has approved a new app that lets you make confessions over your iPhone. It also raises the possibility of accidentally butt-dialing God.

The economics professor who helped craft President Obama’s healthcare plan is going to explain that plan in a comic book. As a result, President Bush has now come out in favor of Obama’s healthcare plan.

In Dallas, a warehouse full of energy drinks caught fire. Firefighters say the fire raged for five hours and then totally crashed.

Recent storms have been very tough on New York City. Just today, Mayor Bloomberg was busy cutting the ribbon on a new pothole.

Walgreens is now selling 50 cent beer. And just in time for Valentine’s Day.

Dick Cheney says that Egyptian President Hosni Mubarak is a “good friend.” Why am I not surprised by this?

Hosni Mubarak is supposedly worth around $80 billion. He claims to have saved the money by properly inflating his tires.

All day: "Joanie Loves Chachi." All night: "Joanie Loves Chachi" in Spanish

It's a history channel that focuses on everything since 1987

Top show about malfeasance in the cabbage industry entitled "Slaw and Order"

Tonight's news topic of discussion: "Ejipt"

Only has two shows about crazy people making cupcakes

All the financial advice is aimed at pets

Most popular program: "The Daily Show with Jon Voight"

It's about guys named Todd by guys named Todd for guys named Todd

New primetime show: "Who Wants to Text His Deal?"

All of its shows are from Oprah, but not THE Oprah

Keith Olbermann is reportedly moving to Al Gore’s Current TV. It’s good to know that story has a happy ending.

Michelle Obama says her husband, President Obama, has quit smoking. Fox News reported this as “Obama Destroying the Tobacco Industry.”

Joe Biden announced plans for a $53 billion train system. To offset the cost, they’re raising the price of a train ticket to $53 billion.

Vice presidents love technology: Joe Biden with the trains, Al Gore with the Internet, and Dick Cheney with the electric torture clamps.

There’s a bigger difference between the weather in Los Angeles and the weather in Minnesota, than between Minnesota and Mars. So thank you, Scientology.

Michael Vick has made more than his share of mistakes, but on the bright side, he is the primary reason they no longer play “Who Let the Dogs Out” at stadiums.

The literary world has been abuzz after Bristol Palin released a 304-page memoir. At her age, it’s not called a memoir, it’s called a diary.

There’s a gorilla in England who has learned to walk upright. Normally, they walk on their knuckles, which is why they don’t wear jewelry.

A major power outage in New Jersey caused a 90-minute shutdown at Newark Airport. Instead of sending people through body scanners, screeners were forced to stare at people and imagine really hard.

A cow in Arkansas recently gave birth to a rare set of triplets. Or as I call them, “sliders.”

Nancy Pelosi described Justin Bieber as “adorable but also substantial,” while Justin Bieber described Nancy Pelosi as “court ordered to maintain a distance of 300 feet at all times.”

Egyptian President Hosni Mubarak is the richest man in the world, with more than $70 billion in hidden assets. That will go up even more once his unemployment kicks in.