Monday Feb 07 2011
Late Night Jokes Delivered to your Mailbox Daily!
The Tonight Show with Jay Leno
Before the Super Bowl, Homeland Security Secretary Janet Napolitano told everyone, “If you see something not right at the Super Bowl, let somebody know." Immediately after Christina Aguilera sang the national anthem, 50 million people called.
Egyptian President Hosni Mubarak told ABC news that he would like to step down from power immediately, but if he did, it could cause chaos in his country. Well, you would hate to see that happen.
Researchers say we may be just a few years away from a pill that would help people live to be 100 years old. Then Hugh Hefner’s fiancée said, "No!”
Chevrolet is coming out with a new feature on their cars that will let drivers update their Facebook status in the car. I was getting so bored talking on the phone and texting while driving.
Christina Aguilera sang the wrong words to “The Star-Spangled Banner.” And even worse, the Black Eyed Peas sang their songs exactly right.
President Obama had a Super Bowl party which featured food from both Wisconsin and Pennsylvania, which explains why he tested positive for diabetes the next morning.
John Madden sat next to former President Bush at the game. There was an awkward moment when they were both caught on the Kiss Cam.
Charlie Sheen hosted a Super Bowl party in a room in his mansion known as the “porn room.” On the 12-step program, that’s step -7.
Late Show with David Letterman
Congratulations to the Green Bay Packers for winning the Super Bowl. People in Wisconsin haven’t been this excited since they invented aerosol Velveeta.
At President Obama’s Super Bowl party, they had cheeseburgers and deep-dish pizza. So much for Michelle Obama’s healthy eating initiative.
It turns out that Egyptian President Hosni Mubarak is worth $70 billion. He made the money by switching to Geico.
The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson
The Super Bowl was the most watched TV program in history. Take that, soccer.
There’s a Super Bowl party every year at the late night talk show hosts’ clubhouse. It was a bit awkward when Jay Leno was looking for something to cut the cake with and Conan said, “Why don’t you use the knife you put in my back?”
Dallas was hit with “thunder-snow,” which is a thunderstorm with below-freezing temperatures. “Thunder-snow” is also the name of my pony.
There were no major hiccups during the Super Bowl, except for Christina Aguilera’s singing. People at Fox say they haven’t seen someone mangle words that badly since Paula Abdul was talking.
Jimmy Kimmel Live!
Two hundred million people did not watch the Super Bowl. Who are these people and why are we allowing them to coexist with us?
Some of the seating at the Super Bowl wasn’t finished, so about 400 people who paid for seats had none. That’s why I always bring a bean bag chair wherever I go.
The NFL gave the fans who lost their seats tickets to next year’s Super Bowl. That’s just what Steelers and Packers fans need — a chance to see the Ravens and the Vikings in 2012.
Late Night with Jimmy Fallon
During the Super Bowl halftime show, the Black Eyed Peas changed the lyrics of their song “Where is the Love” to call on President Obama to do better in education and jobs. And Christina Aguilera changed the lyrics of the national anthem — just because.
A new study found that coffee and aspirin are the best cures for a hangover. In fact, it’s recommended by 4 out of 5 Sheens.
During his interview with President Obama last night, Bill O’Reilly asked him to explain how he deals with so many people hating him. In response, Obama said, “You first.”
Mattel is releasing Barbie dolls inspired by characters from the TV show “Dynasty.” So if you like TV shows from the ‘80s and you still like playing with Barbie dolls — I’m Chris Hansen from Dateline NBC.