Oil companies are now saying that the unrest in the Middle East could lead to an increase in gas prices. Did you ever notice that everything leads to increased gas prices: Egypt, the snowstorm, Snooki's book, the “American Idol” judges.
A Palm Beach priest has admitted to violations of chastity with an adult woman. When the Vatican heard about this, they said "With a woman? Thank God!”
According to reports, Charles Manson has been caught with a cell phone behind bars for the second time in two years. You can tell he's had the cell phone for a while, because when they confiscated it he said "OMG, you guys.”
Six percent of Americans call in sick on Monday after the Super Bowl. Actually, the New York Jets called in sick two weeks ago.
They found a grand piano on a sandbar off the coast of Miami. There were also half a dozen Cubans sitting around it having drinks.
They explained the piano on the sandbar as a high school kid messing around. Yet nobody has been able to explain how Snooki wrote a book.
They found a gorilla that walks upright. Soon after hearing this, I had 50 jokes that all ended with the same punch line: Arnold Schwarzenegger.
It’s good to be a pop star without having to audition for Steven Tyler
I’m briefed each morning by the CIA
Cross me and I’ll have 50,000 screaming girls come to your house and mess you up
When I’m sick, my doctor makes hilarious jokes about “Bieber Fever”
The chance to visit the “Late Show” and my idol, Paul Shaffer
At the barber shop, I can say “Give me the ‘Me’”
For Joke No. 4, go see “Justin Bieber: Never Say Never,” in theaters Feb. 11
Looking forward to starring in my CBS show “CSI: Bieber”
If I tweet “I just sneezed,” a billion people will tweet “Gesundheit”
Reading my fan mail from Letterman
I wouldn’t want to live in the Middle Ages. No dentistry, no plumbing, no Larry King . . . actually, I think there was Larry King.
There was the Black Plague, which was a less ferocious version of what we now call today “Bieber Fever.”
Television was better in the Middle Ages because there wasn’t any.
Egyptian President Hosni Mubarak has said that President Barack Obama doesn’t understand Egyptian culture. Man, get off your high camel.
Facebook celebrated its 7th birthday. Honestly, I only remembered its birthday because I saw it on Facebook.
Sen. Joe Lieberman is writing a book about the Jewish Sabbath, called “The Gift of Rest.” I hear he’s been working on it 24/6.
Mitt Romney said in an interview that Sarah Palin would be great as president. He then added, “ . . . of Egypt.”