Tuesday Feb 01 2011
Late Night Jokes Delivered to your Mailbox Daily!
The Tonight Show with Jay Leno
We are so lucky here in California because the rest of the country is just in a deep freeze. In fact, people in New York are shivering so much, everybody is talking like they're in the movie "The King's Speech."
Chicago is expecting something like 20 inches of snow. In fact, today Rahm Emanuel said he's glad he doesn't really live there.
Things are not looking good for Egyptian President Hosni Mubarak. Today he canceled his Super Bowl party. That’s a bad sign.
Experts now say the protests in Egypt were started by bloggers. Bloggers started the whole thing on Facebook. In fact, the No. 1 choice to replace Mubarak — Justin Bieber.
Egyptian President Hosni Mubarak announced he won't run for another term. The bad news is that this spring he's taking over for Regis.
Oprah Winfrey talked about her week of eating vegan. It was easy. All she did was eat at Taco Bell.
According to research, sex during pregnancy is always safe — unless your wife comes home and catches you.
7-Eleven is opening 100 new eco-friendly stores in Japan. Of course in Japan eco-friendly means "Now with 20 percent less dead whale."
Late Show with David Letterman
The storm of the century is going to hit here tonight. But when you think about it, it's 2011. How can it be the storm of the century? It's more like the leader in the clubhouse.
There's so much snow in Chicago, earlier today Oprah gave everyone a snowplow.
In Egypt, 2 million people are in the streets all around Egypt demanding that Hosni Mubarak step down. It's the most-angry mob I've seen since the "Fire Dave" rally last year.
Now the Egyptian crowds who are protesting have turned against the United States. Oh boy, I didn't see that coming.
Late Show Top Ten
Top Ten Things You Don't Know About Mitt Romney
Mitt is short for Mitt-thew.
I can’t begin my day until I’ve read The Washington Post and Kim Kardashian’s tweets.
I’m the guy in the photo that comes with your picture frame.
I spent six months in a Mexican prison for selling black-market Pillow Pets.
Do I smell as good as I look? No!
In high school, I was voted “Mittiest.”
I got into politics for the piles and piles of paperwork.
Look for my best-selling biography “They Call Me Baba Romney.”
I have absolutely no idea where my birth certificate is.
Oprah is my half-sister.
The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson
Jimmy Kimmel Live!
In Egypt, the unrest continues. Is "unrest" a good word? Unrest is one of the un-goodest words ever. A better way to describe what's going on over there is that people are going nuts in Egypt.
I've been watching a lot of the news footage, and it turns out they don't walk like Egyptians after all. They walk regular like us.
They're also tired of having a president named Hosni.
Mubarak said he'll retire in five years and then hand the job off to Conan. Even Brett Favre was like, "Come on man, retire already, you're embarrassing yourself."
Late Night with Jimmy Fallon
The Midwest got over a foot of snow; it rained ice pellets in Dallas; it's wet and freezing in New York. I was complaining about it all day to my friend in Egypt.
A spokesperson for Sen. John McCain said he won’t meet Snooki this week even though she was in D.C. Do you really need to announce that you’re not meeting with Snooki? That’s like Obama going, "Welcome to the State of the Union. I’d just like to let everyone know that I will not be having brunch with Amber from 'Teen Mom' tomorrow."
A police department in Texas is letting bicycle cops wear cameras on their helmets. The department says it’s all part of their plan to somehow make the nerdiest form of law enforcement even nerdier.
MTV announced that Season 4 of "Jersey Shore" will be shot in Italy in the spring. Some Italians are calling it an insult, while some Americans are calling it payback for the Olive Garden.