Tuesday Jan 25 2011
Late Night Jokes Delivered to your Mailbox Daily!
The Tonight Show with Jay Leno
President Obama started out his State of the Union address with some happy news. Turns out he’s Oprah’s half brother.
You know what that means? We are out of debt!
A judged ruled yesterday that Rahm Emanuel cannot run to be mayor of Chicago because they didn’t consider him a resident. Today a higher court put a stay on the lower court ruling and ordered that Rahm Emanuel’s name be put on the ballot. Why is it so hard to figure out where somebody lives? You know what we should do? Let Netflix decide. If they send you more than five DVDs to one address, that's where you live.
On the way to work today I drove by another homeless guy with a great voice looking for a job: Keith Olbermann.
In the State of the Union address tonight, President Obama focused his speech on how to bring prosperity back to America. It basically involves all of us convincing Oprah we're her half sister. That's the plan.
Three Supreme Court justices — Samuel Alito, Antonin Scalia, and Clarence Thomas — did not attend the State of the Union address. Taking their place was Steven Tyler, Jennifer Lopez, and Randy Jackson.
The terrorist group Hezbollah has taken power in Lebanon and opponents have declared a day of rage. Or as it's known in the Middle East, Tuesday.
This year, for the first time ever, the Super Bowl will have no cheerleaders because neither team has any. Apparently, the Packers used to have cheerleaders but they froze to death.
Late Show with David Letterman
The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson
Did everyone see the president’s State of the Union speech? He said that one thing, some people clapped and others scowled . . . so that’s that.
Tonight is Burns Night in Scotland. They drink whiskey and celebrate the poet Robert Burns. I know what you’re thinking: Scottish people drink whiskey?
They do. Tonight’s the night they drink whiskey and recite poetry . . . which makes it classy.
Jimmy Kimmel Live!
President Obama made his annual State of the Union address tonight from Washington, D.C. It was on all the channels. One of the shows they pre-empted was an hour of "America's Biggest Loser," which means all those fat people exercised this week for no reason at all.
The Republican response was actually somewhat gracious. They said it was a pretty good speech for a foreigner.
Obama's focus tonight was on the economy. He talked a lot about how he wants to create jobs and then announced a plan to freeze government spending. He's promising to put people to work without spending any money to do it, which is what happens after you get a visit from the president of China.
Obama wants to freeze government spending for the next five years and then in year six have a huge party and blow all of it.
Late Night with Jimmy Fallon