Thursday Jan 20 2011
Late Night Jokes Delivered to your Mailbox Daily!
The Tonight Show with Jay Leno
Chinese President Hu Jintao had dinner at the White House with President Obama and first lady Michelle. They were going to exchange gifts from the two countries, but unfortunately everything in our country is now made in their country, so they couldn’t do any exchanging.
There was one really awkward moment when Hu found out that Obama was a Nobel Peace Prize winner and, out of force of habit, tried to have him arrested.
Iran has banned all Valentine’s Day gifts because it promotes Western culture. It’s actually a crime to buy roses for Valentine’s Day in Iran. As opposed to the U.S., where it’s a crime what they charge for roses on Valentine’s Day.
“American Idol” premiered with two new judges, including 62-year-old Steven Tyler. It’s weird when the judges on the Supreme Court are younger than the judges on “American Idol.”
At the state dinner for Chinese President Hu Jintao, Hu opened a fortune cookie that said, “You will lend us another trillion dollars.”
Hu told President Obama’s 9-year-old daughter, Sasha, that she’s a pretty little girl and asked her how many iPods she could make in an hour.
A new study found that nearly 1 out of 3 people can’t resist using Facebook while in the bathroom. I’m just grateful they’re not using Skype.
Late Show with David Letterman
The White House held a state dinner for Chinese President Hu Jintao. There were 200 people, a six-course dinner, and champagne. It was so expensive that we had to borrow money from China for the dinner.
The cellist Yo-Yo Ma was there. It’s the first yoyo we’ve had in the White House since George W. Bush.
Barbra Streisand was also at the White House dinner. Apparently, Hu wanted to meet a Focker.
Late Show Top Ten
Top Ten Ways President Obama Celebrated His Two-Year Anniversary In Office
Spelled "Two Years" on the south lawn of the White House with cigarette butts
Romantic dinner with his favorite teleprompter
Loaded staffers on a party bus and drove to Pittsburgh
Surprised Joe Biden with an open heart necklace from Kay Jewelers
Watched Miss Arkansas and her dummies on Dave
Went on one of those staged "I'm a regular guy" burger runs
Climbed into a hot bubble bath and read Snooki's book
Same way President Bush celebrated two years in office: invaded Iraq
Began his campaign to replace Regis
The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson
The feds arrested 127 mobsters in three states. Of all of those men, four of them were not named Vinnie.
Some of the men are charged with stealing construction workers’ Christmas bonuses and shaking down strip clubs. They’re messing with construction workers and strippers — those are my people.
The prosecutors say that the highest-level mobster arrested is known as “The Old Man.” I think they call him that because he makes an offer he can’t remember.
Jimmy Kimmel Live!
We had to choose between watching “American Idol” and “Jersey Shore.” I hate having to choose between J-Lo and JWoww.
Jesse James is engaged to tattoo artist Kat Von D. The wedding will take place in June at the First United Presbyterian Tattoo Parlor and Head Shop Church.
Steven Tyler is flirting with all the girls on “American Idol.” He’s old enough to be these girls’ grandmother.
Late Night with Jimmy Fallon
At the state dinner for Chinese President Hu Jintao, they served lobster. Which meant that for once, Joe Biden wasn’t the only one wearing a bib.
Nearly 3,000 airline pilots were blinded by laser beams last year. I’m glad we’re hearing that from the FAA and not the pilots flying the plane.
A new study found that most friends share similar genetic information. So if you get along well with your wife, she may be your sister.
The government may force alcohol companies to put nutrition labels on every bottle. If you can still read the labels, the alcohol isn’t bad for you yet.