Tuesday Jan 11 2011
Late Night Jokes Delivered to your Mailbox Daily!
The Tonight Show with Jay Leno
Due to the recession there are now 15,000 less lawyers. Nobody ever talks about the good things that happen because of the recession.
At the Consumer Electronics Show in Las Vegas, LG unveiled a line of appliances that can send text messages. Would you want appliances that can text you? You’re in a business meeting like, “Excuse me, I have to take this. It’s from my can opener.”
In a few months, they will have upgrades for the iPhone 4G. This will give your phone the ability to send and receive telephone calls.
Former U.S. House Majority Leader Tom DeLay was sentenced to three years in prison. The judge sentenced him to two years for money laundering and tacked on an extra year for his performance on "Dancing With the Stars."
The date 1/11/11 only happens once every hundred years. When Larry King heard, he said, “This again?”
“American Idol” producers say that when the show returns with two new celebrity judges, there will be less put-downs and more support for the contestants. In other words, this will be the last season.
MGM Studios announced that despite their financial trouble, they will be releasing a new James Bond film this year. In light of the tough economic times, it will be titled: “License to Kill — and Sell Real Estate on the Side.”
A Swedish firm has designed an efficient city featuring buildings on wheels that can be moved in or out of town as desired. This ingenious city of the future is known as a trailer park.
Late Show with David Letterman
A thousand doves dropped dead out of the sky in Venice. That leaves only about 50 million more.
Last week was a huge week in publishing. Snooki from “Jersey Shore” released her novel.
Astronomers discovered the smallest star in a far-away galaxy, called a dwarf star. I had about 50 jokes about the dwarf star and, what a coincidence. They all ended with Tom Cruise.
Late Show Top Ten
Top Ten Ways New York City Is Preparing For The Blizzard
Telling everyone to spend the night in New Jersey
Assigning extra sanitation workers to drink and sleep on the job
Establishing satellite uplink to Mayor Bloomberg's command center in Bermuda
Stocking up on low-calorie snacks
You know the naked guy on the subway? Today he's wearing earmuffs
Regis attaching a salt spreader to his Rascal scooter
Brainstorming cool blizzard nicknames like "Snowpocalypse" and "Snowtastrophy"
Airing new Rex Ryan public service announcement about how to protect your feet
Charlie Sheen is getting plowed
Blizzard? We haven't cleaned up from New Year's Eve!
The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson
Verizon announced that they will start selling their version of the iPhone. This version will actually make calls.
Celebrities used to get in trouble for throwing their cell phones at people, but nowadays the phones are so light that if someone threw a phone, you’d be like, “That’s cute.”
I used to think phones would be built into everyday objects, like a shoe-phone or a watch-phone, but it’s gone the opposite way. Now everything is part of the phone, and if you lose it, you lose everything. You may as well change your name to Randy Quaid.
Jimmy Kimmel Live!
New York City’s Mayor Bloomberg introduced a 15-point plan to get rid of all the snow. Fifteen points seems like a lot to me. I think two would be better: a snow-blower and maybe some salt.
NASA released photos of a mysterious green blob floating out in space. Either that or someone sneezed on the telescope.
Former Gov. Arnold Schwarzenegger starts a speaking tour later this month. Tickets are selling for between $270 and $427. Imagine how much they would charge if he could actually speak.
Late Night with Jimmy Fallon
New York City is bracing for another blizzard. In fact, I saw people shopping for groceries, buying up batteries, and preparing to stay inside — and that was just the sanitation workers.
On Feb. 10, the iPhone will be available to Verizon customers. Or, to put it another way, on Feb. 10, AT&T customers will become Verizon customers.
A new study found that ESP could actually be real. I read about it in tomorrow’s paper.
On the season finale of “Hoarders,” they showed a man who lets over 2,000 rats run around his house. Clearly, that guy has a problem — he doesn’t need half of those rats.