Monday Jan 10 2011
Late Night Jokes Delivered to your Mailbox Daily!
The Tonight Show with Jay Leno
A new study shows that a woman's tears can chemically lower the level of testosterone in a man. When that happens, the man will also start to cry and then eventually be elected speaker of the House.
Illinois officials report that drug sniffing dogs are wrong as much as 70 percent of the time — probably because they're sniffing drugs all day.
Starting in march, Starbucks will be introducing a new logo to celebrate their 40th anniversary. They're also marking the milestone by charging the same price that they charged for a cup of coffee back in 1971: $3.75.
Cosmetic surgeons says that two years of recession has devastated their industry, and that fewer people can afford to have plastic surgery done. In Beverly Hills, a lot of people say they are actually starting to get feeling back in their faces again.
The main attraction at the Consumer Electronics Show was the 3-D television. It’s the first time the cast of “Jersey Shore” showed any depth.
Lawmakers are getting tough on bullying. New Jersey Gov. Chris Christie signed some of the toughest anti-bullying laws in the nation. Then someone gave Christie a wedgie and said, “Ha ha. You’ve got a girl’s last name.”
Mickey Rourke says he’s removing his two front teeth for an upcoming movie role. The movie is called “The Mickey Rourke Story.”
A company created a bathroom scale that allows you to tweet your weight to your friends. The company immediately went out of business.
Late Show with David Letterman
Mayor Bloomberg has really taken a beating over the snow, and he’s begging folks from out of town to take some snow with them when they leave New York City.
Snooki from “Jersey Shore” claims in a new book that once a month, she wakes up in a trash can. Experts believe that if she stays healthy, she could beat David Hasselhoff’s record.
Snooki says she’s not trying to be a role model. Well, mission accomplished.
Washington, D.C. is the place where people read the most in the country. In New York City, we do a lot of reading too: parking tickets, health code violations, ransom notes, and Chinese take-out menus.
Late Show Top Ten
Top Ten Reasons To Buy The New Snooki Book
200 pages of hangover cures
If you're watching this show, then your standards can't be too high
It's so good, Pauly D. wants to learn to read
Show me your receipt and I'll grind with you at any nightclub of your choice
Includes helpful tips on how to clean your Camaro
If everybody buys my book, the economy will be fixed
Comes with a blank page where you can stick your gum
If you don't, I'll send a juiced-up guido to your house
The finest work of literature ever written by an author named Snooki
The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson
The movie “True Grit” is doing very well at the box office, but I don’t know why. It doesn’t have any aliens, explosions, or karate, and it’s not even in 3-D.
Hollywood is getting lazy trying to fool us with quality.
The star of “True Grit” is Jeff Bridges. His movies are too good, too often. He needs to make a crappy movie about a cat that plays basketball or something.
Jimmy Kimmel Live!
We’re 10 days into the new year. Today is the day that your Christmas lights have officially been up too long.
Oprah’s new television channel, OWN, is up. Oprah said her mission for her new channel is to create a network that has mindful, not mindless, TV. She’s done it with shows like “Miracle Detectives” and “Anna & Kristina’s Grocery Bag.”
I tried to find the new Oprah network, but my universal remote tried to kill itself.
Late Night with Jimmy Fallon
Over the weekend, more birds came crashing to the ground in Pennsylvania. I guess the Eagles didn’t bring their A-game.
A writer is suing MTV for stealing his idea for “Jersey Shore.” In fact, he just hired Jersey’s best lawyer, “The Representation.”
Snooki was signing copies of her novel at Borders in New York. When she got to the book store, she said, “These places are real.”
Over 400 people have volunteered to take a one-way trip to Mars to begin colonization. The last people we want starting a civilization on Mars are the people that volunteer to do it.