It has been raining hard here in Los Angeles. We have gotten so much water, illegal immigrants are literally coming in waves.
A survey found that men spend twice as much on their mistresses for Christmas as they do on their wives. On the other hand, men spend half their income on their wives once they find out about their mistresses.
President Obama read his new children’s book to a classroom of second-graders in Virginia. It did not go well. Fifty-nine percent of the kids disapproved, and 83 percent of the children felt the story was headed in the wrong direction.
After playing the beautiful ballerina in the movie "Black Swan," actress Natalie Portman was asked if she'd consider doing "Dancing With the Stars" and she said no. The reason: She can really dance and she’s actually a star.
It’s been raining in Los Angeles for four days. God is upset that Larry King quit.
The Senate voted to allow gay soldiers to serve in the military. This is good news for gay soldiers, but bad news for straight soldiers who were going to say they were gay to get out of the Army.
“Jersey Shore” star Ronnie has been charged with assaulting a man during a taping of an episode. If convicted, Ronnie could face up to three years — in a library.
WikiLeaks founder Julian Assange is out on bail and under house arrest at a 600-acre estate. That will teach him.
Assange is on a curfew as well. If there’s anything that a guy who leaks secret government documents respects, it’s a curfew.
Congress repealed the “don’t ask, don’t tell” law. The Pentagon can now start production on “Iraq: The Musical.”
John McCain was opposed to repealing “don’t ask, don’t tell,” though he admitted that he probably served with gay soldiers during the Civil War.
Top Ten New York Giants Excuses
"Eagles players were pushing us"
"I left early to beat the traffic. What happened?"
"Uh . . . losing helps everyone appreciate winning, right?"
"Just one more failure of the Obama administration"
"Huddles spent discussing last week's episode of 'Glee'"
"Stressed out after holiday shopping at the mall. There's your real scrimmage, people"
"Isn't this the time of year for giving?"
"That WikiLeaks dude leaked our defensive playbook"
"Knicks are doing well, which means somebody has to suck while the Mets are off"
Do you know how many packages were handled by the Post Office this year? This is scientifically accurate: Fifty-three gazillion.
With that many packages, they’re bound to lose a couple hundred. Keep that in mind, my friends and family.
It’s important to appreciate postal workers this time of year. That’s why I always greet them with a warm smile and an open robe.
President Obama said he walks his dog Bo on the White House lawn, but sometimes he has to scoop up Bo’s poop. They probably should find someone else to do that. If there’s one thing Obama’s not good at, it’s cleaning up a mess that was left for him.
London’s Heathrow Airport was closed because of snow and ice. In fact, Heathrow canceled so many flights, it changed its name to “LaGuardia.”
Levi Johnston reportedly has a new girlfriend in Alaska named Sunny Oglesby. Which raises an interesting question: Is there anyone in Alaska with a normal human name?
Singapore has a new campaign to clean up 70 percent of its public toilets by the year 2013. Or in much grosser news, Singapore has admitted that 30 percent of its public toilets will not be cleaned for three years.