Wednesday Dec 15 2010
Late Night Jokes Delivered to your Mailbox Daily!
The Tonight Show with Jay Leno
Two feet of snow in the Midwest. But the good news is, these are the first shovel-ready jobs Obama has come up with since becoming president.
Facebook founder Mark Zuckerberg has been named Time magazine's Person of the Year. They said he has single-handedly changed the way we waste time at work.
Authorities say they're investigating the Vatican bank on charges of money laundering. In response, the Pope said: “Money laundering, is that all? Thank God for that. Merry Christmas, everybody.”
7-Eleven has announced that they are going to start selling their own brand of wine. This is for people who find the idea of buying wine at Walmart too pretentious.
President Obama met with the CEOs of top companies about creating more jobs for Americans. After the meeting, the CEOs went home to China.
Americans chose the word “whatever” as the most annoying word of 2010. Especially when it’s given as an answer to the question, “Doctor, will I ever walk again?”
Michael Vick said that owning a dog would really help his rehabilitation. After hearing this, dogs everywhere said, “No, thanks.”
David Hasselhoff said he is currently seeing two women. Then his manager stepped in and said, “David, that’s one woman. You’re drunk.”
Late Show with David Letterman
Cliff Lee turned down a $200 million offer from the New York Yankees to go play for the Phillies. The day that money can’t buy a player for the Yankees is a sad day for America.
So there’s no $200 million deal for Cliff Lee, which means I’m still the most overpaid disappointment in New York.
The Golden Globes will have an unusual category this year: “Outstanding Performance by an Animal Killed by Sarah Palin.”
Late Show Top Ten
Top Ten Questions Time Magazine Asks Before Selecting Someone As "Person Of The Year"
Do you currently subscribe to Time magazine?
Your name isn't Gosselin or Hasselhoff or Palin, is it?
Ever run to the restroom in the middle of a talk show taping?
Have you sent someone a photo of your deal?
Will this choice resonate with our 12 readers?
At any point during the past year, did you wear a meat dress?
Are you that annoying person who instead of laughing says, "L-O-L"?
Have you ever tripped a football player running down the sideline?
Should we just give it to Letterman and piss everybody off?
The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson
Mark Zuckerberg was named Time’s Person of the Year. I’m sorry if you don’t recognize the name. A magazine is something people used to read.
This week, we say goodbye to Larry King. His show has been on for a record 127 years.
Larry King started on radio. If you don’t remember radio, it’s like a blog that yells at you.
People say Larry King is like a crazy grandpa with a TV show, and that makes me mad because that’s supposed to be my thing.
Jimmy Kimmel Live!
Christmas is only 10 days away, but there’s still time for last minute shopping. Ten days isn’t really “last minute.”
Not as many companies are having holiday parties this year. A lot of companies can’t afford enough toner for employees to drunkenly Xerox their butts.
It’s so cold in New York right now that people are flipping each other the mitten.
It’s a good thing it doesn’t snow in Los Angeles. Could you imagine Lindsay Lohan driving on ice?
Late Night with Jimmy Fallon
It was so cold this week, John Boehner had to use anti-freeze before his morning cry.
It's so cold, people are going to the airport just for the pat-downs.
According to new census data, Falls Church, Va. is the best-educated area in the U.S. Least educated: Sarah Palin’s Alaska.
I tried to find out how New York did, but I couldn’t find anyone who knowed.