Monday Dec 13 2010
Late Night Jokes Delivered to your Mailbox Daily!
The Tonight Show with Jay Leno
There were huge storms in the Midwest. In some places, snow was five feet high. And that was just inside the Metrodome in Minneapolis.
Jets coach Sal Alosi is in trouble after he tripped Miami Dolphins cornerback Nolan Carroll and knocked him right to the ground. Of course, the Jets were furious. They said, "Where were you when the Patriots were killing us last week?"
7-Eleven is about to start selling their own brand of wine. Is that new? They had 7-eleven wine when I was in high school. We called it Robitussin.
The roof of the Minnesota Vikings’ Metrodome collapsed. I guess even God wants Brett Favre to retire.
Ukraine announced plans to open Chernobyl, their nuclear disaster site, to tourists. They say it’s just like Disneyland, except the 6-foot mouse is real.
Anderson Cooper announced that the name of his new talk show is “Anderson.” I think I speak for everyone on the staff of “Conan” when I say: What an ego on that guy.
Time magazine is now ranking the best tweets of the year and, according to Time, the best tweet for 2010 was written by John McCain. Experts say it’s even more impressive because McCain thought he was opening his garage door.
Late Show with David Letterman
In New York City, they’ve outlawed adult book stores, salty soup, and now betting parlors. This is not the New York City I know.
Sarah Palin flew down to Haiti to help earthquake victims. Poor Haitians, they can’t get a break. First the earthquake, then the hurricanes, and now Sarah Palin.
Palin went camping with Kate Gosselin on her TV show. What a pair. You have a vapid media star desperate for attention — and then there’s Kate Gosselin.
Late Show Top Ten
Top Ten Things Cam Newton Can Say Now That He Won The Heisman Trophy
The 2010 version of the Heisman Trophy can hold 10,000 songs
This season, I've swallowed 11 mouth guards
Is it strange that after a big win, CBS broadcaster Verne Lundquist insists on showering with us?
Ok, I admit it . . . I have Bieber Fever
Next season I'm joining the cast of "Glee" as the gruff quarterback with the voice of an angel
I'm working on my own cologne. It's called "Locker Room." You’re gonna love it
After this I'm going on “Rachael Ray” to make some Heisman-shaped meatloaf
I'm not playing in the National Championship game. I've got a math quiz the next day
Even I have no idea how the heck the BCS works
Need to see some ID? How about this: (strikes the Heisman pose)
The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson
Zac Efron and Vanessa Hudgens have broken up. Where do you go after dating such a pretty girl? That’s a question Vanessa Hudgens will have to answer.
A new food bill has been signed into law. It’s part of our war against donuts. If we’re not vigilant, the donuts will win.
After signing the law, President Obama said our government shows it is serious about setting a good example for children’s health. Then he went outside to smoke a cigarette.
I know the importance of a good diet. Every day, I eat from the four basic food groups: meat, beef, cake, and beefcake.
Jimmy Kimmel Live!
The Vikings-Giants game was moved because the Metrodome’s roof caved in under the weight of snow. It’s not very often that you see weather affect a game that’s inside a dome.
That’s why mom always said not to build your stadium roof out of plastic wrap.
Miley Cyrus was videotaped smoking out of a bong. A lot of people are upset, but she only had one hit — just like her dad.
She was smoking salvia, which can cause hallucinations, such as thinking the girl videotaping you is your friend.
Late Night with Jimmy Fallon
George W. Bush’s daughter, Jenna, is moving to New York City so that she can be closer to her twin sister, Barbara. Meanwhile, their dad plans to visit New York, so that he can be closer to “Elf: The Musical.”
Kate Gosselin was on the TLC show, “Sarah Palin’s Alaska,” and Palin told Kate that you’re putting your family in danger if you don’t bring a gun with you in the wilderness. Of course there's always the other option: not taking your kids into the wilderness.
I heard about a man in New York who lost 30 pounds after he started riding his bike to work. You know who else heard about that? His co-workers — every single day for the past six months.
FedEx said that it shipped 16 million packages today on its busiest day of the year. That’s right, they handled 16 million packages. Or as the TSA calls that, “kind of a slow day.”