Tuesday Nov 23 2010
Late Night Jokes Delivered to your Mailbox Daily!
The Tonight Show with Jay Leno
North Korea attacked South Korea by brazenly firing mortars into their country. Apparently what happened was, Kim Jong Il got angry over the fact that Bristol Palin made it to the finals of “Dancing With the Stars.”
In the latest Harry Potter film, Harry loses his friends, has to battle overwhelming evil forces, and hides in exotic foreign places to avoid public scrutiny. I’m sorry, that’s President Obama.
On Fox News, Sarah Palin said, “I want to clean up the state, that is so sorry today, of journalism and I have a communications degree.” After that sentence, they might take it back.
I don’t want to say that the stars are not famous on “Skating With the Stars,” but to keep away the paparazzi, they’re having them check into the hotel under their own names.
A company in San Francisco is coming out with “gluttony pants” specifically designed for overeating. Or, as Americans call them, “pants.”
The royal wedding between Prince William and Kate Middleton will be filmed in 3-D, which is bad news for Prince Charles’ ears.
The Dalai Lama says that when he retires, he expects to be replaced by someone from India. It’s official — Indians are taking everyone’s jobs.
Late Show with David Letterman
Sarah Palin has another new book. As long as somebody else is writing them for you, you can turn them out just like that.
That’s right, Palin has a brand new book. And you thought Thanksgiving dinner makes you drowsy.
George W. Bush has a new book called “Decision Points.” I know many of you have made a decision not to read it.
George H.W. Bush and Barbara Bush had a wonderful interview with Larry King. Larry is so confused. He asked Barbara Bush how long she has been on the Quaker Oats box.
Late Show Top Ten
Top Ten Signs The Taliban Leader You're Negotiating With Is An Imposter
His beard is a glued-on carpet sample
Agrees to peace settlement in exchange for a date with Kim Kardashian
Just doesn't seem very Talibanny
Got all of his terror plot ideas from "Jackass 3D"
You ask, "Are you the Taliban leader?" and he responds, "Si"
Raised in the mountainous regions of Aspen, Colorado
Looks suspiciously like cousin Sal from "Jimmy Kimmel Live"
Ends discussion with "Death to America and the Jets for not covering the spread against Houston"
Keeps quoting lines from "They Call Me Baba Booey"
Wants to bring peace to Pakistan, Afghanistan, and Jenniferanistan
The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson
Experts say that North Korea’s Kim Jon Il may not be responsible for bombing South Korea, and it may have been his son. Kids grow up so fast.
It’s a harsh indictment of our media as we lurch toward possible nuclear war on the Korean peninsula, we’re all talking about “Dancing With the Stars.” Isn’t it time journalists start asking the hard questions like “What does Kim Jong Il think of ‘Dancing With the Stars’?”
Some people think Bristol Palin is only doing well on “Dancing With the Stars” because of an organized effort by the tea party. I hope the Democrats will respond by helping Nancy Pelosi win on “Flavor of Love.”
Sarah Palin has managed to use her failed vice presidential run to put herself in a position of power and influence. Joe Biden won the race and he hasn’t been able to put himself in a position of power and influence.
Jimmy Kimmel Live!
Sarah Palin must be glad that “Dancing With the Stars” is over. It was a major distraction. She was only able to release three books this month.
Palin’s book “America by Heart” came out today, just in time for awkward holiday gift exchanges.
Ratings for the second episode of Palin’s TV show have gone way down, falling 40 percent. So I guess she and President Obama do have something in common after all.
Late Night with Jimmy Fallon
A new study says that radiation from Wi-Fi is hurting trees. Environmentalists are calling it the worst assault on trees since George W. Bush and Sarah Palin became authors.
Palin’s book just came out. It has just over 300 pages and just under 900 made-up words.
The TSA has issued some special packing tips for travelers before Thanksgiving weekend. They say not to bring food, sharp tools, or any shred of dignity.
A new study found that dogs are smarter than cats because their friendliness has helped them develop bigger brains. Cat people would complain about the findings, but that would involve interacting with other humans.