The TSA says they will allow pilots to pass through security more easily than before. I’d be happy if the pilots just went through the breathalyzer.

Michelle Obama is expected to announce a plan to put 5,000 salad bars in public schools. They expect as many as three students to use them.

Scientists in Switzerland say for the first time, they've isolated atoms of anti-matter, which could help solve some of the biggest mysteries of the universe. In other words, this could help explain how Bristol Palin is still on “Dancing With the Stars.”

Former President George W. Bush has published his memoirs, called “Decision Points.” Bush was asked if he used a ghost writer and he said, “Nah, I stopped believing in those after I turned 12.”

People lined up for days to see the new “Harry Potter” movie. It’s nice to a see a long line where no one is getting their junk touched.

All 33 of the trapped Chilean miners were visiting Los Angeles. But after a day of sitting in traffic, they decided to go back to the mine.

The turkey that President Obama will pardon this year for Thanksgiving will come from California. The spokesman for the turkey said it doesn’t need a pardon, it needs a job.

There’s a new version of Rolling Stone magazine being published specifically for the Middle East. It’s called “Throwing Stone.”

There’s a new list of America’s most dangerous cities. New York City is No. 269. I’ve never been so humiliated in my life.

I blame this on Mayor Bloomberg and his crackdown on murder. Thanks a lot.

New York City is so safe now that I no longer have to send an intern down to start my car.

TSA says they are going to crack down on the invasive pat-downs. In fact, one agent was transferred to another parish.

"Do I need a degree in groping?"

"Am I only doing this for the sweet TSA uniform?"

"If I find explosive underpants, may I keep them?"

"Will I enjoy being cursed at 40 hours a week for minimum wage?"

"If I find explosive underpants, may I keep them?" That was No. 8. Who checks these things anyway?

"Should I practice by frisking people on the street?"

"In five years, whose pants do I see my hands in?"

"Do I really want to know what a fat guy's thighs feel like?"

"May I frisk myself?"

"What's the closest airport to Shakira's house?"

Over the weekend, someone sent an envelope with some mysterious white powder. They were trying to test it, but Charlie Sheen snorted it before they could.

I made my own boots. I won’t say what I made them out of, but let’s just say my house is a few ferrets lighter.

Everyone in Nashville is very friendly. Before the TSA searches you, they kiss you right on the lips.

Everyone was so polite. I packed by nunchuks for nothing.

They’re already playing Christmas music. I still have a jack-o-lantern in front of my house.

They’re supposed to wait until after Thanksgiving to start with the Christmas stuff. This is a violation of the Geneva Convention.

The human brain can only hear “Jingle Bell Rock” so many times before it orders the body to kill itself.

A TSA worker gave me a pat-down and found another TSA worker’s hand.

This year will be the 84th Macy’s Day Parade. You can tell the balloons are getting old. SpongeBob SquarePants is wearing his pants above his belly button.

Sarah Palin’s new book can be found right next to George W. Bush’s new book in the “Apparently Anyone Can Write One of These” section.

“Skating With the Stars” started right after “Dancing With the Stars” was on. I was able to watch both, thanks to my DVR’s “don’t ask don’t tell” policy.