Tuesday Nov 16 2010
Late Night Jokes Delivered to your Mailbox Daily!
The Tonight Show with Jay Leno
It was bad enough when the TSA agents would go through your underwear in your luggage. Now they’re going through your underwear while you’re wearing it.
Now, to make it worse, the airlines are charging a $15 molestation fee.
Prince William and Kate Middleton are getting married. Is that going to work? Kate is smart, hard-working, and attractive. She undermines everything the royal family stands for.
The House Ethics Committee has found Rep. Charles Rangel guilty of financial misconduct. It wasn’t easy. They had to go way outside Washington to find anyone that knew anything about ethics.
People are concerned that the new airport security scanners could lead to pictures of their genitals ending up on the Internet. Apparently no one has told them that without pictures of genitals, there would be no Internet.
The new Oxford Dictionary has declared Sarah Palin’s word “refudiate” to be the 2010 Word of the Year. Palin was honored and said she word do her best to “dismangle” the English language.
Scientists think that Neanderthals lived fast and died young. So don’t expect a third season of “Jersey Shore.”
A recent study found that people with high IQs are more likely to be up late. In a related story, TBS is moving us to afternoons at 3:00 p.m.
Late Show with David Letterman
Prince William will be married next year. No date has been set for the divorce.
Sarah Palin’s new show is a huge hit and producers are saying that no endangered species were harmed — except for the Democrats.
Palin says they do a lot of huntin’, a lot of hikin’, and a lot of fishin’. I won’t be watchin’.
President Obama has a children’s book. It’s called, “How the Grinch Stole the Midterm Elections.”
Late Show Top Ten
Top Ten Ways To Make Airport Security More Pleasant
For $10, screeners will give you luxurious shiatsu massage
To your left, x-ray conveyor belt; to your right, complimentary hot buffet
Passenger’s naked body scan ends up on YouTube — hey, that joke was in the monologue
Anyone caught with something suspicious has to eat it
You can watch other passengers get groped for 99 cents a minute
Guess the TSA agent’s weight and you can bring any liquid on board
Passengers have option to be frisked by security or airport Cinnabon employee
Pipe in soft rock classics from the ‘70s, ‘80s, ‘90s, and today
Concludes with a good luck pat on the butt
The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson
Britain hasn’t been this excited about the prospect for a new queen since Ricky Martin.
There’s a royal wedding in Britain, but in America, a man in Kentucky was forced to eat his own beard.
The TV show “Dr. Who” has been close to my heart ever since I was a little girl.
Jimmy Kimmel Live!
As you’ve probably heard, I’m engaged to Prince William.
Prince William and Kate Middleton will be married at the ancient gothic church, St. Paul’s Cathedral, where every royal wedding has been held for the last 100 years. Either that or they’ll get married in Cabo.
I’m so excited for the wedding. I hope Oprah takes me as her “+1.”
Late Night with Jimmy Fallon
They just had the groundbreaking ceremony of the George W. Bush Presidential Library in Dallas. It’s easy to get into the building, but then you spend 10 years trying to find an exit strategy.
Dick Cheney attended the ceremony. It’s fitting for Cheney to be at the library. He spent eight years telling Bush to be quiet.
The day before Thanksgiving is National Opt-Out Day, where people are being asked to boycott the TSA’s full-body scanners. Sponsors of the event say people shouldn’t be made to feel embarrassed or uncomfortable while traveling. That’s what Thanksgiving with your family is for.
President Obama is doing an interview with Barbara Walters that will air the day after Thanksgiving. Walters will ask Obama how he plans to stop the fighting in the Middle East, while he'll ask her how she plans to stop the fighting on “The View.”