Monday Nov 15 2010
Late Night Jokes Delivered to your Mailbox Daily!
The Tonight Show with Jay Leno
This will be a rough week for President Obama. He’s got a lame duck Congress, he has to pardon a turkey, he has to eat crow, and the Chinese just flipped him the bird. It’s been a fowl week.
The lame duck Congress started today. Not to be confused with before the election — that was a lame excuse for a Congress.
“Sarah Palin’s Alaska” got huge ratings for its premiere. It was followed by “John McCain’s Mesopotamia.”
President Obama wrote a children’s book. If only one person reads it, it will be double the number of people that read the healthcare bill.
In San Diego, a man refused to be patted down by airport security and some people are calling him a hero. I don’t mind being patted down by airport security, but I don’t like it when the guy says, “Now you do me.”
Reports suggest that parts of former President Bush’s new book may have been lifted from other books. Especially the parts about Dumbledore and Voldemort.
Voters in Arizona have approved a measure allowing medical marijuana. Arizona is now the 15th state where you can pretend to have glaucoma.
A thief broke into a house in Alaska and found $100,000 but only took $20,000. Police are searching for a man with simple dreams.
Late Show with David Letterman
Bernie Madoff’s underpants were sold at an auction. They were from “Fraud of the Loom.”
They sold a lot of Madoff’s cold weather clothing. He won’t need that where he’s going.
Madoff was upset that his wife sold her engagement ring for $500,000, because he hoped to give it to his new fiancé, Walt.
Former President George W. Bush was all over TV promoting his book, “Decision Points.” On “Rachael Ray,” they waterboarded a veal cutlet.
Late Show Top Ten
Top Ten New Words of 2010
The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson
You can tell President Obama wrote his children’s book a few years ago. It lists 13 great Americans and they include Bernie Madoff, Tiger Woods, and Charlie Sheen.
All of the royalties from Obama’s book sales will go to an organization that really needs the money: the Obama re-election company.
Children’s books have to have a moral at the end, like “Green Eggs and Ham.” The moral was that you can eat spoiled meat.
Rep. John Boehner is the new speaker of the House. Turn-ons include tax cuts and spray tans.
Jimmy Kimmel Live!
Sarah Palin’s new reality show had very high ratings. It’s basically “Ice Road Soccer Mom.”
There was a funny moment on Palin’s show when the Palins approached a brown bear and asked to see its papers.
TSA agents can now feel the inside of passengers’ thighs. I get more action going through airline security than I did all through high school.
Late Night with Jimmy Fallon
President Obama’s picture book for kids is coming out. That’s when you know things have changed — when Bush writes a 500-page memoir and Obama hands in a coloring book.
Arizona just became the 15th state to approve medical marijuana. So I give it three days before they stop caring about the whole immigration thing.
This weekend was the 20th annual Senior Citizen Olympics in Southern California. I heard 90 percent of the athletes tested positive for Ensure.
NBC is creating a new reality dating show that is being described as a cross between “Survivor” and “The Bachelor.” It's called “Who Wants to Date Charlie Sheen?”