Tuesday Oct 27 2009
Late Night Jokes Delivered to your Mailbox Daily!
The Tonight Show with Jay Leno
Those two pilots that sped 150 miles past their Minneapolis destination have been suspended. They got suspended because they were looking at their laptops instead of flying the plane. Think about this — everybody else on the plane has to turn off their laptops except for the people flying the plane.
In a speech in Canada, former President George W. Bush said he was proud that while he was in office he "didn't sell his soul," which is true. He rented it to Dick Cheney, who then sublet it to Halliburton.
Police in Dallas stand accused of giving traffic tickets to motorists who did not speak English. Isn't that awful? If we did that in California we could balance the state budget in a week.
In South Korea, a scientist considered to be one of the pioneers in the field of cloning has been sentenced to two years in prison. At least, they think it's him . . .
Yesterday, President George W. Bush made his debut as a motivational speaker. Afterwards, Bush said the crowd was so motivated many of them left halfway through.
The latest on those two Northwest Airline pilots who flew 150 miles past their landing site is that they weren’t napping, they were using their laptops. Passengers knew they were in trouble when they heard, "Good afternoon. This is your captain tweeting . . ."
Due to the bad economy, all the McDonalds in Iceland are closing. Which is terrible news for fans of the “Salted McHerring.”
Late Show with David Letterman
They say President Barack Obama is playing a lot of golf. He’s played more golf in his few months in office than George Bush played in his eight years. To be fair, Bush played more mini golf.
It’s no secret: If you’re president of the United States the pressure is incredible. You gotta take a break. You gotta go play golf; you gotta go out jogging; you gotta shoot a hunting buddy in the face . . .
Former Gov. of Alaska Sarah Palin will be on the ”Oprah Winfrey Show.” Coincidently, John McCain will be on “Dr. Oz” getting a colonoscopy.
Sarah Palin is promoting her new book “Going Rogue.” Because she really was out there . . .
Late Show Top Ten
Top Ten Signs You Are Watching A Bad Ghost Movie
Instead of ghosts, house haunted by goats
The only "Boo!" you hear is the audience yelling at the screen
Main characters spend bulk of movie in bed with swine flu
Directed by M. Night Shyamalan's brother, Larry Night Shyamalan
Ghost torments people by making delicious paella and not sharing it
Creature absent from film for 80 minutes while working on his laptop
Creepy sounds turn out to be improperly loaded dishwasher
Ghost haunts people for attention so it can get a reality show deal
Scariest thing is the size of the large soda they sell at the snack counter
Evil spirit does all of its haunting via Twitter
The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson
It’s Navy Day. The U.S. Navy was founded by John Paul Jones. He deserted the British Merchant Marine because he was disgusted by slavery, and he founded the American Navy. Then, he went on to even greater fame playing the bass guitar for Led Zeppelin.
Historians say the Americans might have lost the war at the Battle of Yorktown if he hadn’t played a 20-minute bass solo.
The British heard the solo and said, “All right — you can keep the country.”
Jimmy Kimmel Live!
The movie “Paranormal Activity” brought in $21 million over the weekend — amazing since it only cost $35 to make.
They said it cost 15 grand to make. I don’t think they should charge the same ticket price for a movie that cost less than a Korean automobile.
The guy who made it shot the whole movie in his house using his friends as actors. He couldn’t afford special effects so he actually had to kill his friends at the end of the movie.
Yesterday was the 25th anniversary of the move “Terminator.” “Terminator” was the movie we liked so much we elected it governor.
Late Night with Jimmy Fallon
The University of Chicago wants to house the Barack Obama Presidential Library. It will be just like George W. Bush’s library, except it will have books.
Bush gave a motivational speech in Florida yesterday. He spoke for a half-hour and said he hoped his words were “inspirationistic.”
Bush is really good at motivating — last year he motivated everyone to vote for Obama.