This weekend, we turn the clocks back. Now don’t confuse that with last Tuesday when Democrats got their clocks cleaned.

It looks like John Boehner will be the new speaker of the House. He is the son of a bartender, one of 12 children who grew up in a two-room home with just one bathroom. He worked his way through school and became the first person in his family to graduate from college. Then, sadly, he fell in with the wrong crowd and wound up in Congress.

Levi Johnston said in an interview that Sarah Palin is "not qualified" to be president. And believe me, if there's anyone who knows about not being qualified for something, it's Levi Johnston.

University of Chicago researchers have found that sleeping more can help you lose weight. How many guys are going to jump on this one? “Honey, I'm not sitting on the couch all weekend, I'm dieting.”

We now have a Democratic Senate, a Republican House, and a president with veto power. Smooth sailing, right?

Charlie Sheen and his wife are apparently getting a divorce. Did something happen?

So now there’s al-Qaida in Yemen. These guys have more franchises than “The Real Housewives.”

With the time change, we gain an extra hour. Do we really need another hour of 2010?

Your number "467" is also your cholesterol level

You once pulled a hamstring opening your mail

Crowd noise drowned out by your wheezing

Dick Cheney shoots you in the face with the starter's pistol (still a reference, people!)

You're so fat you're wearing a headband on your wrist

Miss start of the race because you're trapped in Charlie Sheen's hotel room

Marathon is sponsored by I.N.G.; you're sponsored by P.I.E.

Three blocks and you fall down a manhole

Just passed a "Welcome To Newark" sign

You still haven't finished last year's marathon

Police in San Diego have uncovered a huge smuggling tunnel under the border with Mexico containing 25 tons of marijuana — and a couple of very stoned Chilean miners.

Every year I say I’m going to run in the New York City Marathon. This year, I’m going to say that again.

Sometimes they run episodes of a TV show and they call it a “marathon.” That’s like calling a bowl of ice cream a “lap.”

The New York City Marathon is very prestigious. In front of the Plaza Hotel, runners will have to hurdle over furniture thrown out by Charlie Sheen.

Rerun

This weekend is the New York City Marathon. It’s a chance for the best runners in New York to come together — and get crushed by a guy from Nigeria.

President Obama is on a 10-day trip to India, Indonesia, South Korea, and Japan. Not to be outdone, today Joe Biden went to Epcot.

Daylight Savings ends this Sunday. If you’re confused about when to set your clocks back or ahead, just remember this simple rule: You gain an hour every fall, and you lose an hour every time you watch an episode of “Jersey Shore.”

Lady Gaga went to a yoga class in London this week wearing platform boots, sunglasses, and a dress. You'd think that would be pretty impractical, but she totally nailed the position "Downward-Facing Weirdo."