Remember when we used to worry about some weirdo having a razor blade inside an apple on Halloween? Not anymore. Like a kid today would eat an apple.
Here’s a great way to scare Californians this Halloween. Remind them that our choice for governor is Meg Whitman or Jerry Brown.
Karl Rove said that Sarah Palin does not have the gravitas to be president of the United States. Sarah Palin is furious. She said that as soon as she finds out what gravitas means, she will respond — and harshly.
Paul, the octopus who predicted the outcome of all those World Cup games, died this week. In lieu of flowers, the family has asked that people send lemon wedges and tartar sauce.
It was this time in 1929 that the stock market crashed. It crashed because of Wall Street greed. Good thing they fixed that.
When I was a kid, I liked Halloween. But now, it’s just another reason to get drunk.
You don’t have to go nuts buying treats for Halloween. Last year, I passed out Lipitor.
I hate the stupid games you have to play on Halloween, like bobbing for apples. Or, as Dick Cheney used to call it, “apple-boarding.”
Working at Madison Square Garden gets me free tickets to the Cat Show
It's only 60 miles from Trenton
Finally get the chance to use my Yiddish
I really enjoy traffic
There's no better workout than running for your life in Central Park
If I played in Miami, I'd never get to touch the damn ball
New York is just as fabulous as it looked on "Sex and the City"
I think Willis Reed is coming back
Maybe someone will tell me what the hell a "Knick" is
It's the home of my favorite show, "Late Night With Jimmy Fallon"
For Halloween, I’m going to be the most bedazzled ghost ever.
I’m too cheap to make a real costume. I’m just going to take everything off except for my socks, and I’ll be Charlie Sheen.
I’m looking forward to Halloween, seeing all the monsters and the nightmarish imagery. Then I’ll turn off the campaign ads and wait for the trick-or-treaters.
I don’t like when people make their lawns into graveyards with zombies writhing around on the ground. If I want to see a scary creature twisted on the ground, I’d throw David Hasselhoff a hamburger.
Halloween is this weekend. I’m just gonna get trashed and go as Charlie Sheen’s hotel room.
I love it when people dress up their dogs in Halloween costumes. But I don’t like it when I tell someone how cute their dog looks, and they’re like “Hey man, that’s my child."
PETA is offering to pay Lindsay Lohan’s rehab bill if she decides to become a vegan. In response, Lindsay said there are certain animals she could never give up, like Grey Goose and Wild Turkey.