I understand that for Halloween, Meg Whitman is dressing up as the governor of California. It could be her last chance.

Election Day is less than a week away. Republicans are just counting the days until it will be their turn to screw things up.

This billionaire George Soros endorsed Prop 19, which would legalize marijuana. He’s donated $1 million for the cause. Supporters will use the money for last minute TV ads. They are very smart — all the ads will air during SpongeBob SquarePants.

Good news for Charlie Sheen. Since he was caught with a hooker in Manhattan, he could wind up serving four years as governor of New York.

Mayor Bloomberg is cracking down on the noise in New York City. He’s encouraging everyone to use their silencers.

The noise has taken its toll. There’s partial hearing loss among 90 percent of New York City’s rats.

It’s even noisier in New York City if you get a room next to Charlie Sheen.

Halloween is coming up. It’s the scariest day of the year, aside from Election Day.

Bit-O-Monkey

Almondinejad

Spittles

Mr. Expiredbar

Butterfungus

Morton’s Individually Wrapped Salt Licks

Cadbury Crème Egg Over Ham and Hollandaise Sauce

Oh Henry Kissinger!

‘Roidrageous

Regis Pieces

In Charlie Sheen’s defense, he only trashed that hotel room after he found out what they charge for the peanuts in the mini-bar.

It turns out the woman Charlie Sheen locked in the closet wasn’t just a prostitute, she was an actress. Yes, it was Judi Dench.

I remember when the first “Saw” movie came out. Time flies when you’re cutting your own foot off.

Halloween is on Sunday, so make sure you have plenty cigarettes for the kids.

Some parents ruin Halloween for their kids by not allowing them to get candy. The way our economy is going, it may be good practice for our kids to start begging for food.

Congratulations to China. They now have the world’s fastest computer. Just imagine what they could do if their people were allowed on the Internet.

America still leads the way in the important areas. Paper goods giant Kimberly-Clark will soon start selling tubeless toilet paper.

During a campaign stop in New York this week, Joe Biden said to a volunteer, “If I had your hair, I would have been president.” In response, the guy was like, “If I had your hair, I wouldn’t bring up the subject of hair.”

Esquire magazine ranked President Obama one of the world’s best-dressed politicians, while North Korean leader Kim Jong Il was ranked Best-dressed Female Janitor Who Also Happens to Be a Politician.

The U.N. revealed yesterday that it has had bedbugs since May of last year. I guess that explains the old saying, “Sleep tight and don’t let the bedbugs get weapons-grade uranium.”

A court just ruled that voters in Arizona don’t need to show proof of citizenship at the polls next week. When asked about the ruling, some said they were on the fence — while many said they'd just hopped over it.