It was a rough night for David Hasselhoff. He sobered up, turned on “Dancing With the Stars,” and realized he’s been eliminated.

Vice President Joe Biden lashed out at fellow Democrats. He said that those Democrats that didn’t get what they wanted should just “buck up.” Of course, Joe Biden has “bucked up” a number of times.

The United Nations is appointing an official space alien greeter to meet and greet any aliens that may visit Earth in the future. Well, how does this make Mexican people coming to America feel?

While in New York City, Mahmoud Ahmadinejad met with Louis Farrakhan. I’m not sure where they met, but I think we can rule out the Carnegie Deli.

Larry King wants to be on “Saturday Night Live.” It’s No. 4 on his bucket list.

Rahm Emanuel is leaving the White House. Is he really quitting or just pulling a Leno?

President Obama has written a children’s book. Why not? He’s got nothing else on his plate.

Obama’s book is called “The One-Term Engine That Could.”

It was so hot in Los Angeles that instead of Botox, people were getting injections of Ben & Jerry’s.

A 3-year-old boy in Florida showed up to school with 20 ounces of pot. The school board was outraged but the kid’s teacher was like, “Hey, it beats an apple.”

In Kansas, a delivery truck carrying 10,000 snack cakes was stolen. Police are looking for that 3-year-old boy from Florida.

Christine O’Donnell doesn’t believe in evolution. She asked why monkeys aren’t still evolving into humans. I was like, “It doesn’t happen that fast.”

There’s a heat wave in Southern California. It was so hot, the thermometer at the National Weather Service broke. That’s ridiculous. I have three meat thermometers at home that go up to 200 degrees.

Today was a comfortable 96 degrees. I picked the wrong week to clean my oven.

Heat can be dangerous, especially for senior citizens and ice cream men.

During a trip next month, Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad says he’s planning to throw a rock at Israel. And today, Israel introduced its newest defense weapon: paper.

After a lot of speculation, the Chinese government has decided not to change its one-child policy next year. In a related story, China just renewed its most popular show, “Jon & Kate Plus One and That’s It.”

In a new interview with Rolling Stone magazine, President Obama said he has Stevie Wonder, Bob Dylan, and the Rolling Stones on his iPod. Unfortunately, the question was “Do you have a plan to fix the economy?”

Lindsay Lohan reportedly checked into a new rehab facility today. She said the same thing she always does when checking in: “Keep the car running.”