At the UN, President Obama called on other countries to help us track down and eliminate radicals and extremists. But they told Obama, “Hey, the tea party is your problem, buddy.”

They now say the titanic sank because the captain had a big problem when he tried to turn way to the left. To which Obama said, “Tell me about it.”

President Obama said he plans on training 10,000 new math and science teachers. How about teaching math to that economic team of his?

Lindsay Lohan has been released after posting $35,000 bail. It’s part of California’s new get-tough policy: “Three Strikes and you’re out — on bail.”

Lindsay Lohan failed another drug test. It’s one subject I thought she would be good at, but she keeps failing.

Lindsay Lohan’s been to rehab so many times, the rehab cafeteria named a sandwich after her.

Bob Woodward has written a book which states that the White House agonized over the decision to leave Iraq. Too bad no one agonized over the decision to go into Iraq.

In the book, they talk about bitter arguments, personality conflicts, and power struggles. And that’s just with Obama’s mother-in-law.

"Do you have any experience sitting in an office doing nothing?"

"Are you fluent in Klingon?"

"On a scale of 1 to 10, how delusional are you?"

"Where's the hidden camera?"

"Have you ever dabbled in witchcraft?"

"How many wackjob conspiracy theories can you type per minute?"

"Why does Jim Belushi keep getting television shows?"

"Have you ever florfed a Zargon?"

"Why were there jugglers on Letterman?"

"May I have your autograph, Ms. Lohan?"

It’s so hot in Los Angeles that Mel Gibson ran into a synagogue just for the air conditioning.

It’s so hot that the Dodgers gave everyone the day off and no one noticed.

Conan O’Brien’s drummer, Max Weinberg, will not be returning for Conan’s TV show. And it gets worse, because Jay Leno has started drumming lessons.

“Sesame Street” began its 41st season. The Cookie Monster is going to have to switch to a low-carb diet.

Today was the hottest day ever in Los Angeles. It was so hot, you could fry a contaminated egg on the sidewalk.

Lindsay Lohan is on the loose again. She is supposedly reporting to rehab in a few days, but they’re having a plumber come in to caulk her nose shut, just in case.

The Octomom is facing foreclosure on her house, so she had a yard sale. It might be time to get that woman a reality show.

The owner of the Segway company died when he drove his Segway over a cliff. It’s kind of like George Foreman grilling himself to death.

On the “Today” show, President Obama said he supports having a longer school year. In response, Sasha and Malia announced they support Sarah Palin.

A new poll found that only 5 percent of Americans think the public school system is working well. While the other 95 percent think it “could be working gooder.”

Paris Hilton has settled a lawsuit with Hallmark for making a greeting card with her catchphrase, “That’s Hot.” She’s also checking every day to make sure Hallmark’s not using her other catchphrase, “That’s not mine, it belongs to a friend.”

It was hard getting around New York City this weekend because of service changes on 18 different subway lines. In fact, it was so confusing, most people just gave up and used a bathroom.