Tuesday Nov 03 2009
Late Night Jokes Delivered to your Mailbox Daily!
The Tonight Show with Jay Leno
Can you believe it's been a year since Barack Obama was elected president? There’s been some changes. His new slogan is now, "Yes, We Can, but Don't Hold Your Breath. It’s Going to Be a Little While.”
Secretary of State Hillary Clinton scolded Pakistan leaders for not going after al-Qaida and just pretending they didn't see a problem that everyone else in the world could see. Ouch! Imagine Hillary Clinton lecturing you on turning a blind eye to a problem that the rest of the world could see.
The White House has approved a new plan to pay members of the Taliban to change sides and support the U.S. If this works, they're going to try the same plan with members of Fox News.
Actually the program has a catchy title. It’s called, “Don't Ask, Don't Taliban.”
A year ago today Barack Obama was elected president. In one short year, Obama’s slogan has gone from “Yes We Can” to “Wow This Is Freakin’ Hard!”
Reporters say that President Obama has been skipping meals lately, and new photographs show that he’s lost a lot of weight. If this is true, then maybe Obama really has lost touch with the American people.
Former President Bush is in Japan and he was met by protestors carrying signs that said, “Arrest Bush” and “Bush Is a War Criminal.” When he saw the signs, Bush said, “Thanks for making me feel at home.”
Walt Disney Theme Parks have started giving visually impaired visitors a hand-held device that describes the attractions they are seeing. Apparently it’s a tape-recorder that keeps repeating, “You are standing in a line of 300 people."
Late Show with David Letterman
The ratings for the World Series are tremendous. I know this: The Mets are at home watching . . .
Ratings are so good, Fox offered Melky Cabrera the 10 p.m. slot.
Al Gore, winner of the Nobel Prize, is on the show. I wish he were here last night. I could have used the help. During the course of the show, the climate went from bad to worse.
Late Show Top Ten
Top Ten Least Popular Musical Standards Presented By Michael Buble
"Somewhere over the rainbow, way up high, Northwest pilots are napping, or web surfing when they fly"
"I had trouble fittin' into my new pants, so I returned them to J.Crew.com"
"When you hear it explained, that the ice caps have waned, that's Al Gore"
"Ev'ry time I check my 401k, I die a little"
"Too darn hot, I'm too darn hot, my temperature is a-hundred-and-two, my body aches and my lips have turned blue, I hallucinate talking kangaroos, missed my flu swine shot"
"Bernie — pension reamer, Ponzi schemer — you bastard, Bernie, you robbed the old and poor, and now you're inmate 61727-054"
"Obama called you jackass, Kanye Kanye Kanye Kanye"
"S'wonderful, s'marvelous, we're almost done, with this lame list"
"Don't know why, claimed his son was in the sky, insane balloon dad"
"For $37.95 this was mine, you can't take it, I feel more alive when I'm wearing my Slanket, I don't need nothin' else, now that I've got a blanket with sleeves"
The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson
There’s a new poll out on the sexiest accent. It’s the Irish accent. I thought, “No way! It’s not even an accent; they’re just drunk.”
It’s Japanese Culture Day. I celebrate every year: I put on a kimono and giggle like a Japanese school girl.
I’ve never understood Japanese dining. I always thought it was a put-on. “Let’s see if we can get these people to eat raw fish with sticks . . . and then get them to drink hot wine . . . and then we’ll make them sit on the floor without shoes . . .”
Jimmy Kimmel Live!
Late Night with Jimmy Fallon
Today was Election Day. It’s not like the last election I voted . . . you don’t text in your vote . . .
Everyone who voted got an “I Voted” swine flu mask.
It looks like New York City Mayor Michael Bloomberg will win a third term. He spent the most on the election in New York history . . . just barely exceeding the New York Yankees salary cap.