Friday Nov 06 2009
Late Night Jokes Delivered to your Mailbox Daily!
The Tonight Show with Jay Leno
President Obama hosted a conference of all the Native-American tribes. I don’t want to say the U.S. economy is in bad shape, but Obama told the Indians, “Look — you can have the country back.”
House Speaker Nancy Pelosi told reporters that although they lost the governorship in New Jersey and Virginia, Democrats were the real winners on election night. In a related story, scientists now say Botox can cause delusions.
Voters in Breckenridge, Colo., which is a ski resort town, passed a ballot measure legalizing marijuana. Well, pot smoking and skiing. What could go wrong there?
You thought a lot of people were on the half pipe before.
President Obama met with Native-American tribal leaders, and they gave him the Indian name “He Who Cares.” Then they gave Vice President Joe Biden the Indian name “Big Chief Running Mouth.”
Chrysler has announced a new logo that is going to appear on all of its cars. They hope it will boost sales. It should help. The logo? “Toyota.”
Oprah is considering ending her show after 25 years. Oprah’s financial adviser says he has to do some number-crunching, but he says he’s pretty sure she can retire comfortably by 1983.
It’s Fashion Week in Pakistan. Turns out for the 800th year in a row, burqas are in.
Late Show with David Letterman
According to a new survey, New York City has the most rats in all of America. All of those rats? Each one of them has healthcare.
Maria Shriver’s birthday today. She celebrated quietly with Gov. Arnold Schwarzenegger in his lair on Skull Island.
Sarah Palin’s new book is coming out next month. It’s called, “Going Rogue.” She was Rambo, out there on her own . . . hiding in the trees . . . swooping down on vines . . . looking for bogies . . .
She’s already received a million dollars for the book. And today, she took that money and went shopping. She went to Bed Bath & You Betcha.
Late Show Top Ten
The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson
The movie “Christmas Carol” opened today. Christmas movies are being released earlier and earlier every year. I think Al Gore will probably blame it on global warming, but they are.
There’s a new version of “Christmas Carol” in 3-D. After all, who doesn’t want to see an old man in a nightgown in 3-D?
“Christmas Carol,” wasn’t only about Scrooge; it was about Tiny Tim, who in the book was described as being “lame.” Back then, if you were lame, people would pity you. Today if you’re lame you just get a talk show.
Jimmy Kimmel Live!
Late Night with Jimmy Fallon
Tough economic news. The unemployment rate went above 10 percent for the first time since 1983. Last week economists were saying the recession is finally over, but this week all of those economists were laid off.
A new report found that there are 237 millionaires in Congress. Some of that is oil money, some of it is from family money, but mostly it’s just old fashioned bribes.
A man in Pennsylvania was able to identify the guy who mugged him after looking through his old yearbook because they were classmates in high school. He said he was easy to find because the guy signed his yearbook, “Have a good summer . . . someday I’m going to mug you.”
Congressman John Boehner told a crowd of protesters yesterday that the new healthcare bill is “the greatest threat to freedom” he has ever seen. Then the Taliban was like, “Uh, hello?”